Irrational Fears

Before I had Athena I would have said I three major fears. And if you stop and think right now, what are your major fears, it might be interesting what comes to mind. Anyway, these are my three overwelming and paralyzing fears.

1. Someone breaking into my house at night.
2. Bears
3. Dogs

Now, some people would have fears and they might present themselves from time to time, my fears become larger then life. For example, once darkenss falls and Jesse is away, every noise makes me jump and I feel creepy crawly and skittish until he comes home. Trying to sleep when I am alone in the house is a total nightmare, to the point where I have literally lain awake till 4 or 5 in the morning, sweating in fear, until finally falling asleep out of pure exhaustion. My fear of bears means I can no longer hike in the mountains, and when I do, I am so afraid, it's not fun even in the slightest. My fear of dogs means I can hardly even go for a walk around Grimshaw without at least once my heart pounding and adrenaline coursing through my veins as I hear a dog barking even from a distance. I have had no previous expereince with any of these three things to give me such fears, so I am wondering if anyone else suffers from something like this, or if it just me. I don't know if I have some sort of spiritual thing going on or what. Anyway, it is really annoying. And now since I have had Athena, my one overwelming fear with her is SIDS. I hate it!! I hate thinking she won't wake up, and checking one her all the time, and being so afraid to find her not breathing. It's really hard for me to let this go and trust God with her. I want to protect her, but I can't stand over her crib and watch her sleep all night, even though I would like to sometimes. ARRGGG. Anyway, that's my dilemma. Now it is late......and my husband just got home so I can go to bed....see fear number 1. Can't go to bed till he gets home.....*sigh*

16 pounds

Athena got her second round of immunizations yesterday, and she weighed in at 16lbs. She has now officially doubled her birth weight! Her shots went very well. The first one she didn't cry at all, the second one she complained, and the third one she really wailed for about 15 seconds until the bell and yellow duck claimed her attention. Then all evening she was totally fine, but today she has been CRANKY CRANKY CRANKY. I guess the effects of the shots only hit today poor girl. But I'm sure glad we have these things now. I can't even imagine living back in the days where the nearest doctor was a days wagon ride away, and if your kids got sick the only thing you could do for them were home remedies. And certainly they didn't have immunizations against the diseases we do now. I know there is kind of a conterversey over immunizations right now, and wether they cause Autism, and different things. I can't really voice my opinion too much, because I haven't really reachearched it at all, and mabye I'm a bit of a leming, but I figure if the healthcare system tells me it's Ok, I will belive them. I know that dosen't sit well with you free thinkers out there, but I just don't have it in me to question everything. That gives me too many things to worry about. I think with our next baby we will maybe wait a bit longer to start getting them done, just becasue 2 months seems so young to us, but Athena has done fine with them, and for me personally, I think it is important to get done. Jesse told me he actually read that there has been a resurgence of some of these diseases because so many people are choosing not to have their kids immunized. Be that as it may, I'm not passing judgement on parents who don't have it done, because we all just want to do what is best for our kids, and that's not always the same thing. I will say it does/did make a bit nervous to get them done, and I have been watching her very closely!!

Athena will be six months in 2 weeks! Hard to believe. She is reachig for EVERYTHING now, and whenever we drink from a cup, she wants a drink too! It's so cute, and Jesse of course is a total softie, and gives her a drink whenever she wants one. He even gave her a tiny sip of Coke the other day, which completely horrified his Mother!! Haha. Don't worry Mom, we won't give her Coke in her sippy cup! :) She is also sitting up very well on her own now, and while you still have to watch her becasue she likes to throw herself backwards every once and awhile, you don't have to support her at all anymore. The next thing I am waiting for is for her to reach for me. I think that will be cool! To see that she wants me will be a great feeling after taking care of her for 6 months!!

Well, it seems like my blog is all about Athena all the time, but since she is what my world revolves around right now, I guess that isn't too crazy! The next thing we are looking forward to is a visit from Jesse's parents over Mother's day weekend. We LOVE getting visitors! Well, guess that's all for tonight.

Trips and Such

So I just sat down to write this blog and realized my sleeve is completly wet, and I sniffed it to see if it was pee or not. CHECK - I'm a Mom! Oh yeah, and it wasn't. Phew. It is 10:15 and I am in the process of putting Athena to bed. Her new bedtime is 10. It used to be later, (usually around 11) but by that time she was so tired, that I almost found it more difficutlt to put her to sleep because she was overtired. So 10 seems to be the magic number right now. I don't want it to be too early, because I would rather she go to bed later and sleep later, so I'm really not interested in an 8oclock bedtime like some parents would be. Now she sleeps good till usually 9:30, and most morning I can squeeze another hour out of her which makes Mommy happy. Not having to get up till 10:30? I must be in heaven. Yeah yeah, you can all put your noses up at me, my husband does all the time, but I have always hated getting up early in the mornings, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

So last week I went to Abottsford, BC with my parents where we saw extended family, my brother and sister in law, and my Omi. (Grandma in German for those of you who have never heard the term). I don't get out to the West Coast much anymore, so it was great to see everyone, and the three babies that have been born since I was there last! Plus it's always extra good to be able to see Tyson and Alida! I always say, women who marry into a family can either be a great additon, or terrible, there don't seem to be many inbetweens, and I'm happy to report we aced it with our sister in law. I hope that we can live closer together someday, and not just see each other 10 days out of the year. Athena did very well on her 10 hour drives. She slept....not as much as I would have expected but she was amazingly content for being stuck in a carseat all day! Then on the way back, my parents dropped me off in Calgary where I saw my in laws for a few days, then on the Red Deer to my Aunt's place, and she brought me to Edmonton where I caught the plane back up to Peace! Yup, I travelled half of Canada in a week and a half! All with a four month old baby, so I think I did pretty good! Well, I can't take most of the credit. My parents and inlaws are fantastic.

Tonight Jesse is in Edmonton at an Oilers game. Yup, his boss has 4 seasons tickets, so he offered them to Jesse and 3 other pilots today, so they got to fly down and see the game on his dime. Pretty nice for him! !! I guess I can't begrudge him the evening, since I was just gone for 10 days but man, an evening gets pretty long when you have nobody to share it with!

I was in Wal-Mart today and I remember when I first moved here, it seemed like my friend Jenny knew every person she passed in the aisles, and now that's become me!! Funny how in such a small town you can't hardly go anywhere without running into people you "know". Know in quotations, because I know them in a social sence, but I don't really know them at all. Don't you hate how awkward that can become??? Like, you have interacted with them enough that you can't just pass them in the aisle without seeming rude, but you really really wish you could!! I HATE awkward small talk. How are you supposed to have a 2 minute conversation with someone you bearly know, and NOT have it be awkward. If someone knows, I would pay you for the answer. I suppose it would get easier the more self confident you are, (I am guessing), so maybe in 10 years I'll love meeting those random, "I think I know you" people in the aisles, but until then, I'm keeping my head down, and avoiding eye contact at all costs!! And yes, I have started down an aisle, seen someone I know at the other end, and turned around to avoid them. I admit it!!

On the topic of avoiding people......I'd like to take a poll. Do people who talk to much without ever listening actually think they interesting and that WE are interested in their hurrendousely long, boring, and drawn out stories? Really? Or is it because us more, "quiet" people constantly get sucked into the trap of listening for hourse because we're not assertive enough in inserting our own stories. And to clarify, I am not thinking of any person in particular, so don't read this thinking I am talking about you, because I'm not! I'm just talking about how my whole life has gone in general. It just seems like I have been in WAY WAY WAY too many groups in my life where my opinions have not been heard. Not that my opinions are earth shattering or more interesting then anybody else's, but I do belive that my opinions are as IMPORTANT as other people who just happen to talk more. All you quiet people can relate to me right?? Sometimes I feel like sticking a sock in people's mouths, and saying SHUT UP!! Now it's my turn to talk, and the sock is there so you don't butt in every time I stop for a milla second to take a breath! I find it honestly sad sometimes, that people who yabber constantly, don't realize that they arn't actually making friends. Because you can't be friends with someone who dosen't care enough to be quiet and listen to how you are feeling and what you have on your heart to say. That is just the honest truth. You come across people who even while you are talking, you can tell they are just thinking about what they are going to say next. It is a true gift to a good conversationalist, but also a good listener. There are two people who immediately come to mind when I think of those qualities. My Uncle Walter, and my Father in law. Both have that innate ability to be great interesting story tellers, but be equally good listeners. I am sometimes still amazed at Jesse's Dad, and how interested he seems to be about my ideas and opinions. Sometimes I try to stop talking just because I figure that I must be boring him out of his tree, and I figure I'll just put him out of his misery by shutting up, but he just keeps right on asking questions. Haha!! So maybe I do bore him stometimes, I don't know, but I have to say I really enjoy talking with him. Oh, and just to clarify once again, I classify myself as a quiet person, but anyone who really knows me wouldn't say that :) In fact my husband would probably say I'm very loud, and VERY opinionated. It's group settings, and people who talk too much that get me quiet. I don't like to be center of attention, and I don't like having to talk louder then the next person in order to be heard. Anyway that was just my little rant, because I feel like there are too many people now a days that don't realize that to have a friend, you have to be a friend, and that involves just as much listening as it does talking, if not more. SO THERE!! AND NO, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU SO STOP THINKING I AM!! Probably half the problem is me, because I don't talk enough and people are just trying to fill the awkward silences!! Haha. I always know I have a good friend when I am talking at least half the time :)

Well, it is 11. I hope Jesse will be home soon, but probably not for at least another hour or two. I don't like going to bed when he's not home, so I have to decide wether or not to wait up or not. The baby is sleeping which is good, so I think I will go raid the pantry. Yeah yeah I know, eating after 7 makes it all go straight to your hips, but I don't care, I'm HUNGRY!! Till next time.....

Grateful

Wow. I have had some bored afternoons lately, so I have been, "creeping" on people's blogs that I don't know for the sake of something to read. I came across two women's blogs who have had multiple misscariages, and babies who have died inutero, or soon after. I have been sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks just bawling!! I realized how often during my pregnancy I took it for granted that everything was going fine. I am so thankful to God that He has blessed us with Athena and that she is healthy and happy. It just dosen't seem fair that a women can have octuplets, and then a loving Christian couple who just want ONE baby, can't conveive or do, but have so much heartache when their baby dies. It's like, God, if you are so good, why do these horrible things happen?? I know that is an age old question that can't really be answered, but you still wonder it sometimes don't you? I suppose the only real answer is that God never promised us a bed of roses, he just promised to be with us. It's Christian lingo to say, well it all works together for good, or God knows the bigger picture, but until you have been through real grief and loss, I don't think you really know how you will react. Once you have a child, suddenly things that you never really thought about all that much, you think about all the time. I have found myself worrying and being afraid a lot lately - and I don't want to live like that, or raise my child in fear! Of course, you have to protect your child, but if I know Christ and his love, then I don't need to be afraid, and even, I'm commanded NOT to be afraid. Just beceause I'm a Christian dosen't mean that nothing bad will ever happen to me, I know that, and so I want to have such a such a close relationship with Christ, that if something did happen to someone I love, I wouldn't lose my mind!! Anyway, the point of this post, is just to thank God for all the blessings in my life. I love my little baby like I never knew it was possible to love someone, and I will do my best for her, as long as God entrusts her to me, which will hopefully be all my life!

It's Midnight

It is exactly midnight as I start this blog. It's not often that I get up at night because I can't sleep, but tonight for some reason I have restless legs, and I felt so fidgity and wide awake I figured I may as well get up and do something semi-useful. It probably dosen't help that I watched WAY WAY too much TV today, and ate WAY too many chocolate covered peanuts. Laziness +overeating probably don't go a long way towards making one feel a "good" kind of tired. Athena and Jesse are both sleeping, so I have the house to myself....kind of! I watched Dancing With The Stars tonight, and was actually pleasently surprised. I've been pretty bored of the show the last couple seasons, and last season hardly watched at all, but I have been TOTALLY TOTALLY obsessed with the Bachlor this season, so to find that Melissa was on, was a good surprise, so maybe I will watch. My other guilty pleasure, and I don't know if I should admit this or not, but when I can, I watch The Girls Next Door, so I also was happily surprised to see that Holly Madison was on. I just find it a bit long, as it is usually 2 hours long, and there are SO MANY commercials!! I should get Jesse to download it, and then I can fastforward all the times that annoying co-host Samantha is talking. She is SO AGGRIVATING!! I hate the way she talks. Anyhoo, I have way too many shows to watch right now. Amazing Race and Survivor are back on, which are my two all time favorite shows. And, (this made my week last week) Jillian is the new Bachlorette!!!! She is from Peace River of all places, how wierd is that?? My friend Jenny went to school with her, so that is my claim to fame. It's amazing how much more interesting it is to watch a show when you kind of know somebody. Ok Ok, I don't know her at all, but I know her through a friend, and she is from where I live now....(Peace River of all places!!) So I can't wait to see her season. It's starts in May. Yeah! Wow, I blabbed about reality TV for a long time there. Yikes. The only Drams's I watch are House, (mine and Jesse's favorite) and Smallville. I have been trying to get into Lost since Jesse downloaded the seasons, but the jury is still out on that one.

Chealsey flew home last Thrusday, and I still really miss her! I got home, and looked in the fridge, saw a green pepper and realized I would have to finish eating it all by myself, and started crying! Haha. We loved having her live with us for seven weeks, and if she could have stayed another seven it wouldn't have been enough either. The best part about having her here, (other then the fact that she is just great to have around) is that she helped me SO MUCH with cooking. It was fun to try new receipes and new ideas with someone who can cook. Jesse helps me if I ask, but he really has no interest in cooking, and I can't ask him any questions about how to do things so it's just not quite the same. Also it was really special to have her for that long, since we haven't lived together since we lived at home and that was when I was 18, and she was 12!! That's a long time ago. Despite that, I have always felt really close to my sisters, but having her visit like this has only made the bond stronger.

On Friday I am flying to Edmonton with Athena where my parents are picking me up, and we are driving to Abbotsford to see my brother and sister in law, extended family, and Omi! I am this bubbling mixture of excitement and terror. We drove with Athena to Calgary when she was 6 weeks old, and it wasn't horrible, but it definitly wasn't great either. I have no idea how she will be on a plane, and since Jesse can't come with because of work, it will be up to me to hold the fort down. Then, after the 7 am flight, we have 11 hours of driving ahead of us, most of which I would like to have done in her carseat. Again, I probably shouldn't admit this, but on long drives I take her out to nurse her - especially when I was breastfeeding exclusivly, it would have taken us 5 weeks to get anywhere if we had to stop everytime. At least now I can give her bottles and she can stay in her seat, and I will try to breastfeed her whenever we stop. I hope the roads are good through the mountains.

Wow, I ate 2 huge bowls of mini wheats right before bed, and they are churning like nothing else in my stomach right now. I may have overdone it just a tad. Have you ever noticed how many creepy sounds the house makes at night? I suppose it makes the same noises in the day, but when it is all dark, everything seems magnified and more scary!

Well, I suppose I should go try to go back to bed. First I will creep a big more on Facebook, aka. Crackbook, and then see if my restless legs will allow me to go back to sleep!!

I Love my Bumbo!!

Three Months

Athena is 3 months 1 week today. Her newest accomplishments are:

Grabbing the toys hanging above her buzzy chair.
Smiling lots, and squealing when she gets very excited.
Holding her head up without any assistance, and sitting alone in her bumbo chair.

Another new thing she is doing that I'm not sure could be called an accomplishment or not, is she now complains. It's so cute though, that sometimes I leave her just a tad longer so I can listen to it for a bit! !! I can't belive how much she has changed in just three months. She definitely isn't a newborn anymore, and is developing her own little personality. She lets you know when she has been by herself long enough in her swing or chair, and then is happy to be carried and played with for awhile, and on the flip side, she will also let you know when she is DONE being played with and just wants to chill and not have someone tickling her cheeks or squishing her nose. :) She has been sleeping in her own cradle for a month now, and goes to bed very easily with a bottle. She then sleeps all night till at least 7 on most mornings. I then nurse her for half an hour, and she goes back to sleep till 9 or 10. Works for me! I love watching her grow and discover new things. It's so interesting. She is turning into quite the chubby little monkey, and is growing an impressive set of chipmunk cheeks. She's the perfect size right now to hug and squeeze and cuddle with. She definitely isn't a big cuddler though. She likes to be held, but only for the purpose of moving around and seeing the world! NOT TO BE HUGGED!! Haha. I still do it anyway though, and she has to suffer through her Mommy loving her!

It's been great having my sister Chealsey with us for the past month. She works odd hours, so sometimes it feels like I hardly see her, but now she has the next three days off, so we have some time to do things together. She's such a big help with Athena and cooking, and it's just great to have a perma-friend around!

Jesse's parents were down for the weekend, and it was fun to have them. We went out for supper, and also dedicated Athena at Church on Sunday. I was actually quite touched by the whole thing. It's a big deal to raise your children to know God, and love Him. It's a big responsibility. I think THE BEST way to raise your children with a knowledge of Him, is to have a living relationship with Him yourself. I feel that my parents did such a good job of raising us to know God, because they loved Him first themselves. I remember as a child, coming upstairs in the morning and seeing my Dad reading him Bible in his chair for his morning devotions. That has stayed with me all these years, and I've had some of the best discussions about God and Christianity in general with my Dad. I think that it is really important to talk to your kids about things like that, and let them know how important it is to you. Anyway, dedicating her was just an outward symbol of how we want to raise her, and now we will just have to take it day by day, and pray that God gives us the wisdom to bring up a familly for Him!

Tomorrow is my grocery shopping day. I am trying to shop within my budget this month, and make it more of a habit to shop only once a week, instead of whenever I feel I need stuff, since it saves a lot of money planning a menu, and then shopping for what you need, instead of just impulse buys three times a week! So far it has worked pretty good, and I have to say, it's a lot less frusterating for me as well, to know what I'm making all week, and knowing I have the ingredients on hand. I'm also trying to shop more with coupons, and watch for deals. I never really have before, I always thought it was a waste of time, but last week when I saved 15 dollers in one shopping trip, I figured maybe it wasn't so silly afterall. Well, I think it is shower time and then off to bed......:)