Changes

One of the things I like to pride myself on is my willingness to share things, and go beyond that superficial level with people. Of course the notions we have of ourselves aren't always true, so maybe people find that with me, maybe they don't. I can say my favorite conversations are ones that mean something and aren't just about the weather and who won the latest hockey game. Not saying those conversations are bad, because they aren't, and if we always sat around just talking about the deepest feelings of our heart well.....that would be weird too. So in light of my "willingness to share", and since it is my blog, I decided to blog about my recent miscarriage. I follow a few blogs that are women documenting their struggle to conceive and have a family, and I've always admired their honesty and find it an interesting read! Of course I don't know them personally, so I don't have that emotional involvement like I would if it was my sister or close friend. Although Jesse has come home numerous times with me sitting at the computer bawling my eyes out, so I guess I get a little bit involved! Anyhow, that's beside the point. I was five weeks three days when I had my miscarriage, which I was so glad about. Not that I had it, but that it was so early. The whole week I had been feeling a little bit off, and I told Jesse numerous times, that I was so afraid of having a miscarriage. He told me not to worry about something like that, but in hindsight I think I just knew something wasn't quite right. I started bleeding in the morning when I got up, and I just knew right away. Initially it is quite a shock for it to actually happen! Worrying about it is one thing, when it actually happens....quite another. Of course in the beginning you try to wish it away, and hope that the next time you go to the bathroom it will all have stopped and everything will go back to normal.  But it was not to be.  I called my doctor's office and was told to go into emergency, not because I was a real "emergency"  but I guess in case they needed to do an ultrasound.  I think I was too early for that anyway.  Jesse was home in the morning, but called out right after we got up.  He said he would stay home with me if I needed him too, but, (sorry for any men who might be reading this)  it basically just felt like I was getting my period, so I just told him to go fly.  I think I'm fairly stable, and don't go off on big high's and low's - I'm a middle of the road type of person, (except when I have to travel far away from home, then I become a very un middle of the road person, but that is for another blog post!)  IN GENERAL, I'm pretty practical and don't get depressed, nor very excited about many things either!  So I guess that's kind of good and kind of bad!  So while I was obviously feeling pretty disapointed at this point, I wasn't laying in the middle of the floor wailing and weeping either.  Now here's where the God part of the story comes in.  In the two years we have lived here, I can't RECALL, (which doesn't mean it hasn't happened, I just can't remember it)  a prebooked Medivac being cancelled after Jesse has already left, pulled the airplane out, and they are ready to takeoff.  Ok, so I"ll back up a bit, Jesse got called out, I called my friend Karla who is a nurse, who said I really should come in right away, and not wait till the evening, and I think it was at this point I did start to cry, because I had two little girls, I'm having a miscarriage of a baby I really wanted, my husband is gone, and how am I going to handle all this.  I can't take them both to the hospital with me, and I really didn't want to go in alone.  Phone rings.  It's Jesse, and he says his Medivac just got cancelled and he can take me in.  Yeah yeah, you can say it was all just a big coincidence.  Me?  That was my Jesus looking after his girl.  We dropped Natalie off with her Mom at work, brought Athena to a friend's house, and we went into the hospital.  As we pulled into Emergency, I got this almost audible voice in my head, and I don't usually get things like this, but I felt like God had just said to me, "It's going to be OK".  Just that.  It's going to be OK.  And with that, I felt so at peace and so strongly felt like God was there with me, and was holding me.  We live in a fallen world, and God never promised us that bad things would never happen, He just promised to be there with us if they did.  It's kind of funny that we always blame God for everything bad that happens, but never think to thank him for all the good.  Nothing really really bad has ever happened to me  - there's never been a tragic accident, I've never been abused, I grew up in stable loving home.  Not to say I've never had down times or sad times, but compared to so many stories, I'm really one of the lucky ones.  And so I've always wondered, if something bad really happened to me, what would I do?  Would I be angry with God, would I tell Him I hated Him, would I blame Him, would I turn away from Him?  Or would I do the opposite.  Now I don't pretend like this is anything to compare to a lot of things people go through, because I know it's not, but just in my life, this is probably the singularly most disapointing thing that's happened to me.  And I never felt for a second like being mad at God.  And I still don't.  I felt so close to Him, and so loved, and I feel like it was a real faith building experience for me, to see that I didn't want to run away, I wanted to run to Him.  There have been three times in my life where I have experienced, or "heard" God in almost an audible or physical way.  This was one of those times, and I am SO GLAD that I am His child.  I'm so glad I don't have to do this on my own.  When I went to school in Europe for a year, before I left, my Grandpa wrote this poem out for me on a piece of cardboard and gave it to me in a card!  I taped it to my bunkbed and must have read it a thousand times.  It meant a lot to me then, and it still does now. 

On life's pathway I'm never lonely
My Lord is with me, my Lord divine,
Ever present, I trust Him only
No longer lonely for He is mine

I know as a Christian I have struggled with this whole dilemma.  If God really is love, then why do bad things happen to good people.  I think that is a really hard question to answer, and if anyone has a great response, let me know, but the way I look at it is this.  We have free choice.  We can choose God, or not choose him.  God didn't want a bunch of puppets on strings, he wanted us to choose Him.  So by giving us free will, He had to allow everything else that came along with it.  Now I'm not saying he never intervenes in things, but I think a lot of times bad things are either consequences for bad choices, or choices by other people that we can't control.  For those truly tragic things that happen though.....I really don't have an answer.  If Athena were to be killed in a stupid accident, I don't know how I would respond.  I really hope that I would feel like I did with that miscarriage, that God was holding me close and telling me it would be OK.  I sure hope I never have to experience it though.  For me, the best part about being a Christian and knowing God, is not having to carry it all alone.  I have a friend who never lets me down.  People always let you down no matter who they are because we're human.  God hasn't let me down yet.

Well, I guess to wrap up.  I definitely had a few days there where I felt just a tad bit sorry for myself, and hated every pregnant women I saw, (now I like them again)!  and was sad to lose this baby, but I'm very hopeful that I will be able to have more children, (there isn't any reason right now to belive otherwise)  and I hope to have another one real soon.  Well, I kind of got off on a tangent there, but hope you made it to the end regardless!

Tamara

PS.  Next time I will be waiting longer to tell everyone, since saying your pregnant to 300 friends on Facebook is all find and dandy, but having to say you lost the baby to 300 friends on Facebook isn't so great!!  So if your wondering, you'll have to ask me directly, or you may not know for awhile next time!!  

The conclusion

I had better get this whole trip wrapped up before I start forgetting too much, and then make the mistake of going on another one. Really, I'm writing this all down as a reminder to myself for the next time an opportunity arises! The trip home started on a really bad note, and I'm not even exaggerating here at all. We had about a half hour drive on the shuttle bus to the airport. It left late afternoon. We got on the bus, screaming began. I couldn't even believe it. She screamed hysterically for about 10-15 minutes straight. Why? NO CLUE!! I guess she was just tired but it was such an overreaction and so unexpected. Jesse and I just looked at each other, like, please, kill us now. The best part of this little story though is this. While on the plane coming over, it was hard to miss this group of heavily tattooed, heavily muscled group of young men, and (of course) their skinny beautiful, tight clothed wearing, big boobed girlfriends. It's the type of group where even if you really try not too, you just can't help but stare, and always look over. You know what I mean. Well, wouldn't you know it they were also at our resort, so all week you kind of notice them around, because again, it's just hard NOT to notice a big muscle tatoo walking around. It's not something you see every day. They also just so happened to be on our flight home. (Not a big coincidence becasue we were flying a charter airplane that only came in once a week) So of course, they were also on our bus TO the airport. This wasn't a huge bus, so the screaming coming from the frount was well heard by all. She actually fell asleep after this huge display on my lap, and when we got to the airport, we just let everyone else get off first in hopes of getting Athena off into her stroller without waking her up, (which didn't work, but I'm getting ahead of myself) As the last few guys walk by, the (supposed leader) of the tatoo muscle group, looks over, and goes, "Tsssskkkkk, AHHHHHHH" as he sees Athena sleeping on my lap. HAHAHAHAHA!! Is that not the most unexpected person you would expect to hear a tssk and an ahhhh from? Yeah, I thought so. I had to laugh. Maybe he had a couple kids at home, who knows, and I guess it's a always a good lesson not to judge someone's character by the outward appearance, because I certainly didn't think someone who, "looked" like him would be so gentle as to show that a baby was cute, especially after hearing her scream like a little demon for 15 mintues.

After making it through the MOST disorganized chaotic airport, "line" that I have ever stood in, we got to our gate, and again began the interminable waiting you always do in airports. If I was rich, (and I mean, really really rich) I would get a private jet, say screw it to the environment, and fly that damn thing everywhere. (I don't usually swear, but that seemed to work in that sentence so I will this time. If that offends you, send your complaints to my husband). Waiting in airports is bad enough by yourself, but with a child, I have to wonder, what did I have to complain about before? Oh yeah, nothing. We finally boarded the plane, everyone got on, great let's go. Nope, pilot comes over the intercom, there is a problem with customs and they are checking to make sure everyone paid their fee to get out of the country, and if not, could that person please show themselves. Of course, no one does, and so we wait. FOR AN HOUR!!! Holy crap. We had really bad luck apparently. I guess they finally got it figured out - knowing how bad people can be, I bet they didn't even really have any reason to delay us, they just did it for kicks. That's just what I think. Maybe not. That's how it feels when you have to wait that long.

Now, the only thing that could have made this whole travelling experience worse, was if we had had to go through the States. Then I would have found some drugs, legal or otherwise and ate them until I passed out. It was right after that whole fiasco with some idiot dude trying to blow himself up, and so security for people flying within the States was ridiculous. I mean, I'm all for making flying safer, but the rules they come up with to try and implemnt that don't seem to have much basis. Ooohhhh, you can't read a magazine within one hour from landing??? What the??? Are you kidding me? It's crazy. Anyhow, luckily we didn't have to go to the States - just Edmonton. Which isn't that much better but at least it's in Canada.

So fastforward to an hour or two into the flight - screaming again. The hysterical, body thrashing screaming that has no end, and no way to distract from it. Finally some women from the FROUNT of the plane, (and this was a big plane people) came back and offered us some children's gravol for her. My (mostly wonderful, but sometimes severely annoying husband) politly declined, while I gritted my theeth and shot daggers at him out of my eyes, even going so far as to decline even TAKING it for perhaps future considerations. (He is a drug hater to the extreme, while I would drug my kids up to the hilt for any future and past travelling) I thought that was pretty dumb, and sure enough, 20 minutes later, he had completly rethought that past train of thought and was ready to shove that gravol down her cute little throat. He went to look for the lady, but gave up right away and came and sat back down. 15 mintues later Priscilla kindly offered to go look, and since she has much more tenacity, she finally found her....literlly frount row of the plane, and brought back the gravol! Thanks Priscilla! We gave her a peice, and she calmed down finally and fell asleep. We got her onto the floor at our feet on airplane pillows and jackets, where she slept for probably 2 hours. (This is where I managed to watch The Time Travellor's Wife) Once she woke up it was a great time of trying to keep her happy and not screaming for the next few hours. I can't actually remember a whole lot after that. I just remembe it wasn't good. We got to Calgary around 3:30AM (I think) and then had to go through customs, and collect our luggage. We staggered into my inlaws house at 4:45AM. We were hungry, so we ate some pigs in a blanket and a cookies and when I headed upstarirs to bed I remember looking at the clock and it was 5AM exactly. Two hours later the alarm rang. Yup, 7AM, and it was back to the airport for our flight to Grande Prairie. Crazy much? Yeah, we are. We had to be back in Peace by 5PM, since that's when Jesse was back on call. I still don't know how we did that. That's just nuts. Luckily the flight was only a bit over an hour, so it wasn't too hard to keep Athena happy. The best part was coming in for landing the pilot came over and said the weather wasn't looking too good and they didn't know if they would be able to land or not, but they were going to try. At this point I just had to laugh. Really? Flying back to Edmonton to wait until who knows when for the weather to improve after getting 2 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours? Great. Luckily, we could land. We had left our vehicle at a hotel for the week, and so we got a shuttle bus there from the airport. Of course this week had to be one of the coldest of the winter, and so, (to finish off this awesome travelling experince) our vehicle which was not plugged in, would not start. Jesse tried our motomaster, (nope) jumper cables (nope) plugging it in for an hour while we had lunch, (of course not), motomaster again, (nope) finally another set of jumper cables by different people YES!! Yeah, it was a crazy way to end a crazy weekend. We got in, drove straight home, and were SO HAPPY TO BE HOME!!! Travelling is not ALWAYS all it's cracked up to be!! But we had a great vacation, and definitely we will always remember it, with lots of fondness........I think. :)

Chapter Three

So, our resort in Costa Rica was all inclusive, and brand new - just a few months old. I kind of thought before we went that would either be really good, or really bad, because they wouldn't have all the kinks worked out yet. Well, it turned out to be really really good! I've been to Bahamas, Jamaica, and now Costa Rica, and Costa Rica was my favorite! The food was excellent, (especially Jamaica I found the food very bland and boring), the ocean was fantastic! The waves were AWESOME. Apart from one day where there were jelly fish and I got stung a bunch of times, that was my favorite part of the vacation. A couple of times I got taken by a big wave and totally lost control and got scraped along the bottom of the ocean, and skinned my knees and thighs, but STILL WORTH IT!!! It was so fun. A couple of times though, I would stand up from taking a big hit, and looked down.....OOPS!! Both my boobs are hanging out of my swimsuit. YIKES!! Hope nobody saw that! Haha. The funniest thing was when we got home I was looking through all our pictures, and Jesse managed to get one with my boob hanging out of my swimsuit, and he didn't even know it at the time, and neither did I. AHAHAHAH. Good thing I'm not a celebrity, and Jesse wasn't the papparazzi, or else there would be nude pics of me everywhere. Heehee. So anyway, that was a lot of fun. We spent our mornings usually at the pool with Athena, and then we took turns going back to the room with her for her afternoon nap. She slept really well, probably the sun and heat and activity had a lot to do with that. The guys and girls took turns going on an excursion each on separete days. Mom, Priscilla and I went on a tour that took us ziplining over the jungle, then down a 300 foot waterslide in the jungle, horseback riding to some hotsprings, and lunch. It was a lot of fun. Athena loved the water and pools. Of course we didn't take her in the ocean, that would have been way to dangerous and stupid. She liked the sand though, and wanted to throw it everywhere, which was very very messy, but oh well. We had a very fun week.......then there was the trip home......to come another time, the conclusion.......