Changes

One of the things I like to pride myself on is my willingness to share things, and go beyond that superficial level with people. Of course the notions we have of ourselves aren't always true, so maybe people find that with me, maybe they don't. I can say my favorite conversations are ones that mean something and aren't just about the weather and who won the latest hockey game. Not saying those conversations are bad, because they aren't, and if we always sat around just talking about the deepest feelings of our heart well.....that would be weird too. So in light of my "willingness to share", and since it is my blog, I decided to blog about my recent miscarriage. I follow a few blogs that are women documenting their struggle to conceive and have a family, and I've always admired their honesty and find it an interesting read! Of course I don't know them personally, so I don't have that emotional involvement like I would if it was my sister or close friend. Although Jesse has come home numerous times with me sitting at the computer bawling my eyes out, so I guess I get a little bit involved! Anyhow, that's beside the point. I was five weeks three days when I had my miscarriage, which I was so glad about. Not that I had it, but that it was so early. The whole week I had been feeling a little bit off, and I told Jesse numerous times, that I was so afraid of having a miscarriage. He told me not to worry about something like that, but in hindsight I think I just knew something wasn't quite right. I started bleeding in the morning when I got up, and I just knew right away. Initially it is quite a shock for it to actually happen! Worrying about it is one thing, when it actually happens....quite another. Of course in the beginning you try to wish it away, and hope that the next time you go to the bathroom it will all have stopped and everything will go back to normal.  But it was not to be.  I called my doctor's office and was told to go into emergency, not because I was a real "emergency"  but I guess in case they needed to do an ultrasound.  I think I was too early for that anyway.  Jesse was home in the morning, but called out right after we got up.  He said he would stay home with me if I needed him too, but, (sorry for any men who might be reading this)  it basically just felt like I was getting my period, so I just told him to go fly.  I think I'm fairly stable, and don't go off on big high's and low's - I'm a middle of the road type of person, (except when I have to travel far away from home, then I become a very un middle of the road person, but that is for another blog post!)  IN GENERAL, I'm pretty practical and don't get depressed, nor very excited about many things either!  So I guess that's kind of good and kind of bad!  So while I was obviously feeling pretty disapointed at this point, I wasn't laying in the middle of the floor wailing and weeping either.  Now here's where the God part of the story comes in.  In the two years we have lived here, I can't RECALL, (which doesn't mean it hasn't happened, I just can't remember it)  a prebooked Medivac being cancelled after Jesse has already left, pulled the airplane out, and they are ready to takeoff.  Ok, so I"ll back up a bit, Jesse got called out, I called my friend Karla who is a nurse, who said I really should come in right away, and not wait till the evening, and I think it was at this point I did start to cry, because I had two little girls, I'm having a miscarriage of a baby I really wanted, my husband is gone, and how am I going to handle all this.  I can't take them both to the hospital with me, and I really didn't want to go in alone.  Phone rings.  It's Jesse, and he says his Medivac just got cancelled and he can take me in.  Yeah yeah, you can say it was all just a big coincidence.  Me?  That was my Jesus looking after his girl.  We dropped Natalie off with her Mom at work, brought Athena to a friend's house, and we went into the hospital.  As we pulled into Emergency, I got this almost audible voice in my head, and I don't usually get things like this, but I felt like God had just said to me, "It's going to be OK".  Just that.  It's going to be OK.  And with that, I felt so at peace and so strongly felt like God was there with me, and was holding me.  We live in a fallen world, and God never promised us that bad things would never happen, He just promised to be there with us if they did.  It's kind of funny that we always blame God for everything bad that happens, but never think to thank him for all the good.  Nothing really really bad has ever happened to me  - there's never been a tragic accident, I've never been abused, I grew up in stable loving home.  Not to say I've never had down times or sad times, but compared to so many stories, I'm really one of the lucky ones.  And so I've always wondered, if something bad really happened to me, what would I do?  Would I be angry with God, would I tell Him I hated Him, would I blame Him, would I turn away from Him?  Or would I do the opposite.  Now I don't pretend like this is anything to compare to a lot of things people go through, because I know it's not, but just in my life, this is probably the singularly most disapointing thing that's happened to me.  And I never felt for a second like being mad at God.  And I still don't.  I felt so close to Him, and so loved, and I feel like it was a real faith building experience for me, to see that I didn't want to run away, I wanted to run to Him.  There have been three times in my life where I have experienced, or "heard" God in almost an audible or physical way.  This was one of those times, and I am SO GLAD that I am His child.  I'm so glad I don't have to do this on my own.  When I went to school in Europe for a year, before I left, my Grandpa wrote this poem out for me on a piece of cardboard and gave it to me in a card!  I taped it to my bunkbed and must have read it a thousand times.  It meant a lot to me then, and it still does now. 

On life's pathway I'm never lonely
My Lord is with me, my Lord divine,
Ever present, I trust Him only
No longer lonely for He is mine

I know as a Christian I have struggled with this whole dilemma.  If God really is love, then why do bad things happen to good people.  I think that is a really hard question to answer, and if anyone has a great response, let me know, but the way I look at it is this.  We have free choice.  We can choose God, or not choose him.  God didn't want a bunch of puppets on strings, he wanted us to choose Him.  So by giving us free will, He had to allow everything else that came along with it.  Now I'm not saying he never intervenes in things, but I think a lot of times bad things are either consequences for bad choices, or choices by other people that we can't control.  For those truly tragic things that happen though.....I really don't have an answer.  If Athena were to be killed in a stupid accident, I don't know how I would respond.  I really hope that I would feel like I did with that miscarriage, that God was holding me close and telling me it would be OK.  I sure hope I never have to experience it though.  For me, the best part about being a Christian and knowing God, is not having to carry it all alone.  I have a friend who never lets me down.  People always let you down no matter who they are because we're human.  God hasn't let me down yet.

Well, I guess to wrap up.  I definitely had a few days there where I felt just a tad bit sorry for myself, and hated every pregnant women I saw, (now I like them again)!  and was sad to lose this baby, but I'm very hopeful that I will be able to have more children, (there isn't any reason right now to belive otherwise)  and I hope to have another one real soon.  Well, I kind of got off on a tangent there, but hope you made it to the end regardless!

Tamara

PS.  Next time I will be waiting longer to tell everyone, since saying your pregnant to 300 friends on Facebook is all find and dandy, but having to say you lost the baby to 300 friends on Facebook isn't so great!!  So if your wondering, you'll have to ask me directly, or you may not know for awhile next time!!