New Blog Address

Hi everyone!

New blog address for my regular readers. Yeah, I know there are hundreds of you :)

http://kcountry.net/blog/

26 weeks

Well what can I say. I haven't blogged in three months! A lot has changed since then. First off, I am no longer 10 weeks pregnant, I am 26 (and a bit). Obviously the nausea has mainly cleared up, although not till fairly recently. Even at 22 weeks I was still feeling it a bit. Even now I still find I get queasy pretty easily and MAN, I'm tired of it. The heartburn is atrocious, I take Zantac, and Tums on top of that to sleep, my lower back is a killer, I'm hungry all the time, and to top it all off, I got a call today from my doctor that my blood sugar is high, and I need to go back in for another gestational diabetes test. Oh, and my iron is low, which may explain why I have been so exhausted my ENTIRE pregnancy. Yeah. Let's just say it hasn't been a walk in the park. I really was hoping that by 20 weeks I could have a break and enjoy this pregnancy, but unfortunetly...no, that hasn't happened. I really actually find it sad, because with Athena I at least had quite a few weeks that I could enjoy the whole process without feeling miserable. With this pregnancy....let's just say the memories are going to need a lot longer to fade before I EVER want to do this again! I'd say my biggest beef at the moment is the heartburn, it's just so constant and neverending. Zantac REALLY helped for about 3 days and then it's slowly been going back to how it was. *sigh* But on the positive side.....the baby looks good and is doing well! We had an ultrasound and we are having another girl. I get another ultrasound October 7th, (our four year anniversery!) partly because I asked for it, and partly because they couldn't get a good look at her face on the first one. I am happy because it's fun to see and then they can reconfirm for me that it is a girl, and I will go ahead and paint her room. Of course despite all my complaining, all that matters is that she is healthy and born safely. I am looking forward to her birth more then I even did with Athena, because now I know how it feels to love another human being that God created in you, and it is the most amazing feeling ever. To love another human being truly more then yourself, doesn't happen until you have a child. Of course that is just my opinion. Plus I realize how fleeting those real newborn hours/days are, and this time I am going to do my best to hold on to them as long as I can! I love the different stages Athena has gone through, she is so fun right now, and yes, a lot of work too, but so fun, and I wouldn't wish her back to a baby, so now I get to start again with another one!

Maybe I'll get back to the bloggy world these next few months with fall and winter right around the corner. Jesse has been creating a new blog for me, so I've kind of been waiting on that. But I'm still waiting honey.....hint hint hint. :)

Here's to hoping for only 11 more weeks of heartburn!!

10 Weeks and........no bread.

In my house, the world as we know it ceases to exist when we run out of bread. Our world and meals revolve around bread. When I see that we have no bread, I go into crisis mode. That's how much we eat bread. Anyway, that's just a side note.

I remember when I was ten weeks pregnant with Athena, I wrote a blog post entitled, 10 weeks and a heartbeat! since that is the first time I heard it. Unfortunetly here in Peace, you don't get your first appointment till 12 weeks, so since I couldn't write a blog post entitled 10 weeks and a heartbeat! I had to entitle it, 10 weeks and......no bread. Get it? I am 10 weeks today. That was my first, "goal". Funny how you have time goals after a miscarriage. My next "goal" is 12 weeks and my first appointment. After that I will start to really relax about the whole thing. (I think!) I am starting to feel pregnant....maybe getting a bit of a stomach, (or maybe that's because I ate nearly a whole chocolate square dessert by myself in the last two days). Either way, I'm getting a bit of a stomach. The pills I take allow me to eat without throwing everything up, and every once and awhile I feel fairly normal, but not for long. I'm still slightly queasy 95% of the time, and super tired in the afternoons, but it's way better then feeling horribly nauseous and throwing up 4 times a day, so I'll take it.

I'm looking forward to going home for the month of June and having my Mom take care of me. You know, I'm 26 but it just never stops! I don't get to post very much because I bearly make it to Athena's naptime, and usually a minute after she is sleeping I am sleeping, and then she doesn't go to bed till 10, and by then I am so tired again I just want to fall into bed! So I don't have a lot of free time to myself without little hands being everywhere! And wow, 18 month tantrums.....are something to be reckoned with. That's another post!

For my blog readers

Well, since my poorly encrypted Facebook status lines are being busted left right and center, (Aunty Irene and Theresa!), I decided it was time to come clean and let my bloggy friends know, that I am pregnant, (again!) Eight weeks as of tomorrow. (Friday). I was going to try and wait till 12 weeks to tell the general world, but who am I kidding, another 4 weeks would have killed me. I already told my Mom I was going to start blogging about it, because I have been feeling like CRAP and I need an outlet. First off, I am very happy to be pregnant again. I had a miscarriage in January, had one cycle, and got pregnant, so it happened in half the amount of time as the first time, so that worked well with my impatient spirit. The first 2 weeks after I found out I was walking on eggshells, certain that I was going to have another miscarriage. I'm not saying I don't still think about it, because I do, and I wonder how I would manage emotionally if I had another one. However, I finally had to have a sit down with God, and let him remind me that what will be, will be, wether I worry the weeks away or if I don't, and no matter WHAT happens, he'll still be the same, so that's all that really matters. After that I worried a lot less, but I will still be glad when I can start feeling the baby kick and move! It's always fun too when you start feeling the movement.

I have been feeling so terrible the last 10 days, it's crazy. I maybe threw up a total of 5 times when I was pregnant with Athena, and this time it's been at least twice a day if not more. I lost 5 pounds in a little over a week because I could barely eat anything. Just looking in the fridge would make me run to the sink and throw up. I got acupuncture done twice...the first time didn't help, the second time he did more spots, and for the last 2 days I haven't thrown up. I still feel nauseous and can't eat a lot, but the nausea isn't as bad as before, and I'm not throwing up. I only hope it keeps getting better, or at least stays like this, because that's just awful! I told Jesse if there was ever a time to make me sign something saying I wanted to stop after 2 kids, it would be right now! It's like having a flu that never goes away, and you have no hope of it going away for weeks. YUCK!! I can hardly remember what it feels like to be hungry, or what it feel like to look forward to eating. When I do eat, I force it down because I know I should get something in my body, but I don't enjoy it, and then I spend the next half hour mentally keeping it down, and trying not to think about what I just ate.

I went to the doctor yesterday for some pills, and I JOKINGLY said, I sure hope I'm not having twins or triplets, (since the nausea is so much worse then the first pregnancy), and he thinks about it, and then slowly says, "Well, you can HOPE that your body is just reacting differently".....I'm like, WHAT!!?? I was kidding!!! I wasn't serious!!! I better not be having twins!!!! Haha. I have my bloodwork and class to go to on Monday, then my first true prenatal appointment is at 12 weeks, and I think they book the ultrasound right around then too, (I think), but I did my first trimester plus a bit in Red Deer last time, so I'm not exactly sure of what happens up here.

Well, so that is my, (our) news. Jesse has been surviving on peanut butter sandwhiches for 2 weeks now, since I can't bring myself to be around food to make supper, in fact that's all he ate today, for lunch and supper. Haha. So you know, if anyone wants to send relief food his way I'm sure he'd accept it. haha. Oh, and my due date is Dec.11th, but I'm hoping for another three week early baby, so that will make it a Nov. baby. I can HOPE!!

Tamara

Superstore VS. Baby

Athena used to love going shopping with me in her stroller. Well not anymore. Now she has realized it's actually way more fun to run around in a store and pull things off shelves, so why should she have to be strapped into a no fun stroller. We were in Calgary this past week, and since Jesse and Mom were going to pick out a new computer for Mom, they dropped me off at Superstore first. (Because honestly, is there anything more boring then looking at computer stuff? I don't think so, and I'm a hard core shopper). At first it was OK, I was looking for spring outfits for Athena, and so we headed for the kids clothes. It didn't take long and she was pulling at the straps, whining, wanting out. I gave in, because as long as she stayed close, I figured it would be OK. Fast forward five minutes - she found the sunglasses display, and promptly started dismantling the WHOLE thing. I raced over to intervene but not before she had two pairs of glasses clutched in each hand, with at least four pairs scattered across the floor. I had to try and mangle the glasses out of her death grip flailing hands without breaking them, and without stepping on the pairs littered across the floor. By now she's screaming full throttle, I am sweating like a pig, and wondering where I left my beating stick. I forced her back into the stroller, with her bucking, and arching her back, and screaming like I'm trying to kill her. It's actually not easy to get an 18 month old strapped into a stroller alone when they are doing everything in their power NOT to get strapped in. I called Jesse and somewhat angrily wondered, "HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU GOING TO BE EXACTLY?" He could hear the screaming in the background, so he wisely said, coming right away honey, (Or something to that effect) So I just started walking, and eventually she calmed down, and by the time they got there to pick me up, she was a total angel again, and then it's hard to believe how bad she really was. So the lesson for today? Don't let your child out unless your prepared to do major battle. Because a whiny baby in a stroller is still better then a blow year eardrums tantrum throwing baby OUTSIDE the stroller.

Favorite new song.

Bring The Rain - Mercy Me.

I can count a million times,
People asking me how I can praise You, with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed, long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind to turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above,
because you are much greater than my pain.
You who made a way for me, suffering your destiny
So tell me, whats a little rain


Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

Drunk Rampage

There, that got your attention didn't it? Thought so. Well, I'm not drunk, haven't been for quite a few years, probably never will be again, but never say never right? If there's one thing I've learned with parenting so far, is you should never say, "My child would NEVER do that". Yeah right. So I think that applies to basically every facet in life. Never say never, because you don't really know what your capable of in the future. I suppose this blog is being written because I'm bored, couldn't think of anything to write about, and then my mind went off on rabbit trails, and this is the trail it stayed on. I do have issues with drunkeness. I will list some of those issues below.

1. First and foremost, God instructs against it. If that isn't a good reason to A. Stay away, and B. Not do it, I don't know what is. However, we obviously do many things every day that God advises against, and I do not think being drunk is any worse then the other things. IE. Slander, gossip, jealousy, discord, anger, and malicious intent. In fact most of the other things are far more hurtful to other people then, (most of the time) being drunk. Be that as it may, I'm pretty sure the almighty maker of the universe knows what He is talking about, so it's my number one point.

2. Drunk people do stupid things and make stupid decisions.

3. How many of us know alcoholics? Probably everyone knows someone. Is that person happy? No. Is that person productive? No. Is it really sad? Yes. What led to that point? I don't really think most people start drinking thinking they are going to get to the point where they can't control it, and always have to have alcohol in their system to function.

However, my beef isn't with alcoholics. I really feel sorry for those people and think they must have some deep underlying issues to get to that point. My blog is about the party it up drinking till I'm so hammered I can hardly walk every weekend type of lifestyle.......I guess I just don't get it. Here are the reasons I drank (when I did).

1. I felt lonely.
2. I wanted to be noticed.
3. I wanted to be accepted.
4. I wanted attention.
5. I wanted to be different then what I was.
6. I wanted to have fun.

The first five reasons are really really really bad reasons to drink. You go in with that kind of attitude, you are bound to make some really crappy decisions. The last reason I suppose isn't bad in and of itself. However, I have found the most "fun" I've ever had hasn't ever involved alcohol. (On a side note here: Every time I've spelt any form of alcohol so far, I've had to correct it with spell checker....CANNOT spell that word for the life of me!!)

It seems like some people can't seem to be in any kind of picture without an alcoholic drink in one hand. Like that is the epitome of fun. Really?

A. It's expensive.
B. You get crappy hangovers.
C. You throw up.
D. You wake up and remember vaguely what you did the night before, and say, oh shoot, it doesn't matter, because I had so much frickin FUN! (Who are you trying to kid here?) If you can hardly remember it, you must not have had that much fun.

Well, it's my blog so I can say it. I think drinking is stupid. If you say you drink because you like the taste.....well I suppose but everyone likes the taste of Coke. If it's taste your going for, have a Pepsi. I think the reason I hate drinking so much, is because so few people treat it responsibly. I realize some people do, and I actually don't have a problem at all with someone having a glass of wine after work, (hi Aunty Eleanor!) or a beer with their supper. That's great. But honestly, how many 15-30 years olds do you know that stop after one. Yeah, I couldn't think of anyone either. I also hate it because people act like it's the only way they can have fun. If you can only have fun, or, "be yourself" when you are drunk...you have a problem. I know, because I did.

I have never been to a family gathering with alcohol. Never, not once. But man do we have fun!
I love it that as a family we can stand to be together without all being in a haze, and not kill each other, or fight, or yell, or scream, or hate on each other. I think that says a lot for how my Grandparents raised their kids. It certainly sets a high standard for the rest of us to follow.

I realize that drinking is often a rite of passage that kids feel they have to go through, to be cool, or accepted, or try it out, what have you. I get it. I went through it too. But, I am happy to say, I don't need booze to be happy, and man I'm happy about that!! Our house is an alcohol free zone, partly because both me and Jesse honestly hate how it tastes, but a large part is because that's not the kind of lifestyle we choose to support in any form. :) What do you and your family do?

Budgeting

I am super lucky that we are able to afford for me to stay home with Athena. I know for a lot of people it's not possible. However having only one income does make it tight. We have tried over our three years of marriage different budgeting ideas. Different programs on the computer mainly. I guess that could work, but for me, it's not visual enough, or up to date enough, or where I need it when I need it. So starting this month we are trying a new idea. CASH! Yup, we went through our whole budget last month, allocated funds to different categories, ie. Dining Out, Groceries, Gas, Entertainment, Athena (Wants, and Needs), Household, and Car. (To name most of them). We then decided the amount to go to each one, and when Jesse got his paycheck he took out the decided upon amount and divied it up between each envelope. So far, I am LOVING it! For me it didn't work to say, well, lets spend 50 bucks on going out this month. First of all, I can't keep track of what we've already spent in my head. That's impossible. Now, we just look in our envelope, and at the end of the month if there is money left, yes, we can go out, if not, we're eating pb and j at home. It's as simple as that and way easier to stick to.

I'm lucky that I married a man very similar to myself. Neither of us are wild spenders, nor impulse buyers. (Except when it comes to flowers, then I am. Haha) We are both very conscious of what we are buying. I can't remember the last time, if ever, we have been shopping, and come out of the store with an item over $20 that we hadn't gone in intending to buy. It just doesn't happen. Of course, we both have our "weaker" areas, which is why we need a tighter budget plan. For Jesse it's eating out. He flies quite a bit over meal times, and it's hard to bring along a lunch when you know the other guy will be wanting to go out to eat. But as we all know, eating out is EXPENSIVE! and adds up. For me, it's the little things I see that I like and buy. Never big things, and even things that I "need" but at the end of the month, I've spend 60-70 dollars on little things and....it adds up! I like this cash idea, because I can actually spend money without feeling guilty, because it's allocated funds. And lets face it, some retail therapy ain't all bad!

I'd like some feedback on this next question. We have $500 dollars funded for groceries. What do you all think you spend on groceries in a month? I think it's high, but it's what I've been regularly spending, and I don't like the idea of "skimping" on food. I shop at the cheapest grocery store in town, plan my menu for the week, and do my big shopping day once a week. Last week I took my calculator along and added up as I went a long. I ended up with a 75 dollar bill which is lower then usual. I'm not sure if that's because of my calculator and being more aware of what I was putting in the cart, or just because I didn't have to buy any big items like meat, chicken, or cheese. Because that right away adds a good 20-25 dollars onto the bill. So what are some ways you save on groceries?

I'm really so thankful to God for how He has watched over us. My maternity ran out in September, and that was a lot for us, and every month we have had money come in from someplace we didn't expect! I'm not saying I love living on faith with finances, because I DON'T! But I love having a God who keeps proving Himself to us. Especially because our own choices have put us into this "tight" sort of feeling. We have a brand new beautiful house, two vehicles, one of which we bought new, and with these things come bigger payments. I'm pretty amazed actually that God isn't like, Ok, you made a dumb decision, TAG, I'm out, handle it yourself. And I'm not saying all our decisions were bad, but did we really need a new house? Probably not. Did we really need a new vehicle? Probably not. We could have gotten by with less. HOWEVER, those decisions have been made, and we move on! I have to say, I love my house a lot, and my vehicle too, so if we had to do it all over again, I know for sure Jesse would do some things different but it would probably still be hard for me to, even knowing what I know!! At least with my house. I'm a house snob, and I hate living in old houses, or houses with ugly things. I hated the green carpet in our last house, and almost didn't buy it because of it! And all the gold doorknobs got switched pronto. I hate gold anything. Like I said, I'm a bit of a house snob. I'm not saying it's a good thing.

Anyway, I'm not saying this whole budget thing will be super easy, because let's face it, I like buying things, but I am giving it my best shot, and maybe this blog is a little bit of motivation for me to stick to it, and stay accountable.....I hope!

Pictures....I figured it out!!

Well a few pictures here to go with my last post. Now these are pulled from the archives!



Jesse wakeboarding on our first time hanging out together. (Not dating yet). Can you see why I was impressed??
Our second date. This was at the Calgary Stampede. Look how little and cute we look!! Awwww.
The plane he picked me up in. You can't really tell in the picture but I was so nervous, and it was so awkward to be standing that close to him!!! Oh, if only I knew.....
Frieda, (Mom) took this picture as Jesse left to go on his first ever date with me!!
My bestie, Aunty Eleanor. I loved living with her and Uncle Rey. She's the best friend I've ever had!!

The great love story (or anyway, my love story)

The following May after Bible School, I moved from Manitoba to Red Deer. I had been rooming with a friend in Brandon and our lease was coming up, and she was moving on, so I was at another impasse in life, wondering what the next step was. My Aunty Eleanor offered me a summer job painting houses with her, and since I wasn't interested in going back to school at that point, it seemed like a logical choice. Notice how I said, "Summer job"! Yeah right! Five years later I was still doing it! Ha! Well, at that time, Aunty Eleanor still worked for Jerry who was based out of Calgary, but she had moved to Red Deer to take over the division there. So I was really working for Jerry, (he was paying me) but I didn't even meet him for a good month or two after I got there. The first time I met Jesse was actually the first time I met Jerry too. They were going home to Calgary after a weekend at Sylvan Lake, (they had a cabin thingee there) and stopped in at Eleanor's to drop paint off I think. I remember being in my room, and hearing them come in, they were standing in the doorway. I knew that if I came out of my room, everyone would look at me, and I'd be the center of attention, (I HATE being the center of attention) but my curiosity finally won out. I'd been hearing about this mythical Jerry person for years - Eleanor worked for him for like 25 years, and so I'd been hearing stories about him since I was like 10! So I VERY BRAVELY came out of hiding, and yes, I was the center of attention, and felt quite self consious, and Jesse says his first impression of me was that I was really old, and kind of stuck up!! Which wasn't true at all, like I said, I just felt terribly awkward having everyone look at me, and then I start to get all red and flustered and then I just want to die. So anyway, I'm not stuck up! Thanks a lot Jesse. So anyway, that was our very first very anti climactic meeting. The next time I saw him was probably a month later, when we went up to Calgary to help paint there for three days. We stayed at Jerry and Frieda's house for night. Anyway, that evening for supper, Jesse left right after to go to the gym, and I remember thinking that was really hot!! Yeah, I said it. I was 19 years old, everything was hot back then. :) I was watching him pretty close, and I decided he was cute, and attractive. He was smart, he was going to University in the States and was just home for the summer. And I'll admit it, anytime you can score the boss's son, it doesn't hurt your future with the company. (At least for me!) I would never describe myself as flirty. I'm not confident enough, and don't have the right personality. Sometimes I would try, but I'd just end up going beet red, so I didn't think that was the way I should go. I thought for a LONG time, and finally came up with "THE" question. The one that would land him for sure. I waited till the next day, we were painting outside on the same side of the house, and I honestly had to work all my courage up. That's how shy I was. I was probably sweating bullets seriously. Here's the question people...."So can a plane land on autopilot?". Yup, three years of marriage and a beautiful baby girl later, that's the question that started it all!!! We talked quite a bit that day, and I found him really easy to talk to and really friendly. I thought that was just how he was, but Jerry told Eleanor later he knew Jesse liked me just because he was so chatty. He's still like that - if someone doesn't interest him, he makes no effort. Yeah, well, it's not the greatest character trait, but take it up with him! That evening Renae and I decided we wanted to go to a movie, and I wanted Jesse to go along. I convinced Renae to ask Jesse if he would go with us and drive us in his car. He agreed right away, (he TOTALLY liked me at this point) and we met up with Renae's brother Jason, and cousin. On the way there, Renae got to sit in front, but Jesse gave me a piece of his gum, so it evened out. As we walked into the theater, there is always this awkward thing you do if you don't know someone that well of picking who to sit by. Later, Jesse told me he was trying to walk close to me so that I'd have to sit by him, and I was trying to walk close to him so that's he'd have to sit by me. Ha! Yeah, it worked out, and we sat beside each other. And no, there was no hand holding or anything like that going on, WAY TO EARLY PEOPLE! On the way home, I got to sit in front with him, and I'd say at this point I was pretty smitten.

1. Intelligent CHECK
2. Car CHECK
3. Cute CHECK
4. Christian CHECK

I'd say at that point points 2 and 3 were the ones I was mainly thinking about, but points 1 and 4 have definitely come in very handy as time went on. The next day we definitely started to hit it off, and if I could go back and watch myself I'd probably want to melt into a puddle. Ha! We talked about how many kids we wanted - I think Jerry and Eleanor must have wondered what the heck had happened, and what had come over these two kids they thought they knew. Long story short, we started e-mailing, and for our second date, he flew a plane from Calgary to Red Deer to pick me up to go to the Stampede. How could you not fall in love with a guy like that?? I remember the e-mail he asked me out for the first time. I had just taken a shower, and my hair was up in a towel, with a towel wrapped around me, and I was so excited, I ran and told Renae, and then called my Mom and told her sitting on the side of the tub.

We dated that whole summer, and when he went back to school, we decided it had been fun but we both didn't think the long distance thing would work, so we'd break up for now. Well, six weeks later we were back together, and the long distance thing did work for us. Partly because we both gave it 100 percent. We talked every night on Skype or MSN, and saw each other on the major holidays. I really enjoyed my dating years with him a lot. We were married October 7th 2006 after three and a half years of dating.

Wow, that was fun to reminisce! I'll try not to get to mushy gushy here because it's annoying. But I have to say Jesse is such a good Dad, he is super involved, he is super smart, and does so well at his job. I don't think one day has gone by since we have been married where he hasn't told me how beautiful I am (and no, I'm not actually that beautiful, and definitely don't feel that beautiful most days, but he still says it). He's a great musician, he loves God which is so important to me. He is and will be the spiritual leader in our home. I'm so thankful we came together, and so grateful I asked that first question......and I think the answer was no......:)
I love you Jesse!!

Finishing it off

Well, I suppose I need to finish of my Bible School experience. After Germany, I flew home for about a month. I was originally going to backpack around Europe during this time, but there are a few things I learned about myself during the previous 5 months that made me rethink that plan, being:

A. I hate backpacking.
B. I hate hostels.
C. Apart from my husband (whom I hadn't met yet) spending more then a weekend traveling with someone made me want to:
a)kill myself
b)kill the other person
No offense to anyone, but I need my personal space. Especially because traveling brings out the worst in people. Unless your very similar, you want to see different things, spend different amount of time at different things, etc. etc.
D. I hate being homeless.
E. I enjoy routine.
F. I hate backpacking.
G. Did I mention I hate backpacking?

So I went home. It was a great choice. I got a short term job painting houses for a builder in Kola, and recouped emotionally after a few fairly traumatic months! A month later I flew back to England for the Spring semester. Which was somewhere between 2-3 months. Can't quite remember now. Immediately it was a different experience. I was by no means a world traveler, but I'd done the bus/train thing enough in Germany to get a handle on it. So the train ride from the airport to the school didn't bother me, and it was in ENGLISH!! That was SO AWESOME! The atmosphere when I got to the school (for me) was so different then Germany had been. There were about 10 of us that knew each other from Germany that came on to England. My friend Megan being the only one I really had anything to do with. So right away it was way less intimidating, knowing you had a friend you could just walk up to and pick up from where you left off. The school was in this huge mansion/castle thing, and was beautiful. The grounds were beautiful, with walking paths, and pastures and sheep. My roommates were right away friendly, and we all got along so differently then the ones I had in Germany. I don't know if the great experience I had in England was so different because I was different, that I was more confident, less introverted. I'm sure it played a big part. I made better friends in 2 months then I had the whole 5 in Germany. If there was one person I wished I lived closer to, it would be Jordan. You know how like, twice in a lifetime, you meet someone who is you, except not you? That was Jordan for me. After so many months of feeling very misunderstood, and being unable to express myself, she was like, a gale force wind of fresh air. I don't even know if she knows she was that for me or not! I'll have to tell her! Right away having that person who "got me" made the HUGEST difference. Actually, funny story. I sat beside Russell Brown for the first 3 months in Germany, and we said like, 6 words to each other, I'm not kidding you. I think he was terrified of me - probably though if he talked I would burst into tears. Haha. Anyway, in England we sat beside each other again, but because we wanted too, which is really kind of crazy if you think about it. How many other friendships did I miss out on because I was so sad? Anyway, he was American so we had fun making American/Canadian quiz's for each other, (which we both sucked at), and he made the time there a lot of fun too.

I actually traveled a fair bit too. I went to London for a few days, and then to a family friend's cottage for a handful of days as well. Those were both great experiences. I still say that London is my favorite city I've been to in Europe. I stayed with a family I knew through connections of connections. They came with me to a few things, but for the most part, I was on my own, and I loved it! I had my Underground railway map in hand, and navigated myself around the city. I saw all the major things you think of when you think of London, and after traveling with people a lot, I loved being able to go wherever I wanted to go, stay as long as I wanted, and if I wanted to stare at a tomb in Westminster Abbey for 45 minutes, I darn well could.

I'm really glad I went to England, because I definitely had more the experience I was hoping for the whole time. If I hadn't gone, I think Germany would just have left a really bad taste in my mouth, and I would have felt really negatively about the whole thing. England really balanced it out for me, and like I mentioned before, grew in me the resolve to not quit when things get tough, because then you end up missing out on really really great things. :)

What you've all been anxiously waiting for.....(I'm sure)

Well I am finally getting around to writing this rant about Bible School. Well, we'll see how rantish it gets. I'll just start writing and we'll see how it goes. I left for Germany a couple of days after 9/11. In fact, my flight was one of the many that was canceled following the tragedy in New York. It was a rather anti climatic way to start the whole experience that's for sure. Now being unbelievable jet legged and exhausted from traveling for how many hour straight, never mind being ripped away from everyone I had ever known, and everyTHING I had ever known, and being in a totally different country, I'm sure nobody would blame me for getting to the school and
A. Going to bed. (Even though it was afternoon) and
B. Crying.

However, after 6 weeks of being there, and I still hadn't stopped crying, I think people were starting to think I was pretty weird. Ok, so I didn't just walk around crying, but I was super homesick, and I did cry A LOT! You my remember me saying that I'm not a high high or low low type of person. Well, in Germany I was low. For a really long time. I have never been so emotionally down in my life, as I was there. Looking back I think I was actually depressed. I don't know exactly what that means, but I think it means having the inability to feel happy or hopeful, or joyful. About anything. I think the key word there is hopeful. I would get up in the morning, and my stomach would start to hurt immediately, just from the emotions that would hit me right away. I hated mornings. (I still do, but now for different reasons!) It's hard to explain, but if you've ever been in that kind of space emotionally, you know what I mean. You feel stupid because you know logically there is no reason for you to feel so sad and down, but you just can't seem to summon the will power, or emotional resolve to just say, stop it, and feel better. And honestly, it's just not always possible to do that. Now this is where the ranting might come in. Ok, honestly people. Everyone knew I was having a really hard time, and what did everyone do? Stayed as FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE!! Ok, I get it. You know, when I see someone who is really needy and (possibly clingy), I steer as FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE, because the last thing I want is a needy, clingy, sticky person I can't get rid of! BUT..... this was Bible School! We were all supposedly Christians who are supposed to be the kindest and giving people around! I remember this one day specifically, (I won't name names, even though I know she doesn't read my blog, I'm not trying to throw anyone under the bus) I was sitting in my seat in the lecture hall ready for evening lectures, and she came over to where I was sitting, and just said, 'How are you doing Tamara"? And I just BURST into tears. Like, ugly crying, I wasn't even doing my pretty cry. And I cried and cried, I was so homesick and lonely, and she came and hugged me and said whatever girls say to other girls who are crying, and then lectures started.......She NEVER talked to me again. I am not kidding you. Like, it's almost laughable. I guess she figured she had done her little Christian duty by even coming over to me, and then realized, holy crap, she's as crazy as I thought she'd be, steer clear of THAT one!

I know that I was very quiet and shy and maybe (even though I think I looked as bad as I felt) maybe I hid it better then I thought. Maybe lots of other people were just as insecure as I was, and once they found their little group to be with, they didn't want to venture out. Maybe it looked like I had a "group" and that I was OK. Maybe I came across as being unfriendly or cold. That all could be very true, but since this is my blog, I can say how I felt. It seemed like right off the bat, people scurried around, found their little clique, and that was it. Like, if you didn't get, "in" right away, you were screwed. When I thought of how it would be, I imagined everyone hanging around together in common areas, laughing over stupid stuff, and just having fun. Honestly, that can not be further away from what was actually my experience. After lunch, (there were about 100 students I think) everyone just SPLIT. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if everyone RAN out of there. And disappeared. I really have no idea what everyone did, but it wasn't all being together and having fun that's for sure. In the 5 months I was there, ( and yes, the last 2 months I managed to stop crying all the time and got it more together) I would never have felt comfortable leaving my room, and just walking around by myself, seeing some students, and going to chat or seeing what they were up to. FIVE MONTHS!! And the majority of the people I had absolutely no relationship with whatsoever. Not even enough to just have a casual conversation. I think that is sad. I'm not blaming that solely on everyone else, obviously, but a little bit I do. I think it's actually pathetic that in a theoretically completely Christian environment, I could have so little care shown for me. Yeah, I'm a little bruised about that still. Really, I think a lot of people are turned off by God BECAUSE of Christians, and how bad we suck at actually looking like Jesus. Because I know if Jesus had been there in person, he wouldn't have been scared off by my sadness, or my apparent neediness. Now, I bet you there were other people like me, who I didn't see either, because let's be honest, I was a little bit blinded by me. I don't deny that at all.

I remember this specific day in the lunch room. We all just herded in there when the doors opened and it was a free for all as to where you would sit. I deliberately tried to sit next to this one guy, (don't even remember his name now) because I knew that he was into hockey, and at that point I still was too. I didn't want to flirt or hit on him, I just wanted to reach out, and have some interaction with a new person. I think this was still fairly early on, and I didn't have very many friends yet. So I managed to sit next to him, and boy, did he shut me down! He didn't want to talk to me, he didn't have any interest in discussing our team with me, he wanted NOTHING to do with me. Really? I'm not that weird!! I wasn't trying to make out with him, I just wanted to talk about the latest Maple Leaf trades, or whatever it was! I actually have to laugh at that now. What a doob. And you know, I never talked to him again, or him to me, not even a single word the whole rest of the year, and boy, did he miss out! That's right, I said it! I think that experience could sum up the whole Germany debacle for me. It seemed like there was a cold front moving through that school, and I was in front of it. Did I really turn people off that bad? It's hard to see about yourself, and since I hardly said a word, I don't think it was that, I think people just forgot I was even there. And then if they saw me, assumed I had no personality anyway, so why bother. Again, a little sad.

Another experience that I remember, (isn't it wierd what we remember, or what hurts us)? I was waiting to use the phone downstairs with 2 other girls, and they were girls I didn't have any interaction with. And this one girl had these really crazy hairdo's all the time, and again, (stupid me!) I tired to initiate a conversation and possible friendship with her. I reached out, and kind of went around her hair with my hand, and said "Wow, you hair is always so awesome, how do you get it to do that?" And she locked onto me with her eyes, gave me the death glare, (or so it seemed) and in a really snotty voice, (or so I remember) said, "HAIRSPRAY". Last time I ever talked to her, or her to me. So maybe I was oversensitive, but it really was a shutdown. And being as it was such an effort for me to initiate anything, having two experiences like that was all it took to make me go right back into my shell.

Now I have to name a few people here. Kendra, my second semester roomie, was awesome. She definitely made the effort with me and I really appreciated it then and now. Unfortunately we really didn't get to know each other till second semester. I think if we had been roomies right off the bat things might have been a little different? Ah well, we'll never know.
Megan was my best friend almost from day one. We met in the snack shop, we both were teary eyed, and I guess that bonded us. Now I know your wondering, if you had a best friend, what are you griping about? Well, first off, I never expected to go through Bible School with one friend. That wasn't what I was looking for, and neither was she. We both wanted the fun group experience. Secondly, no one person can be everything to another person. I'm so grateful I had Megan, because if not, I surely would have died, but at the same time, (and she would tell you this too), we're very different people. Like, as East is to West, or something like that. Sometimes I thought we had grown up on different planets, (she had the normal planet, I had the weird one). If you read this Megan, thanks for sticking with me, I know it wasn't easy a lot of the time!! My K group, (small group) was the bright spot in my week. We met once a week, and I looked forward to it from the minute it ended to when it came around again. I made some fun friends in Chris and Rodney, and I loved the camaraderie and laughter we could share in a thrown together group of people. Outside of it though, we never really hung out, and I don't know why. Well, Chris and Rodney some, but nobody else. That is what I missed and wanted in the every day life at Bible School and just couldn't seem to get.

I suppose my other big gripe with (especially) the first three months of school was the leadership. It seems like there should be a better system in place so that girls like me don't just end up sliding through the cracks feeling so alone and then end up writing bitter blogs 8 years later!! I mean, walking past me in the hallway, and saying, oh how are you Tamara, is not what I mean. They knew I was having a tough time, so why not invite me to your room for coffee, or games, or go for walks with me, or say, every time at this day let's meet and talk, or come hang out this afternoon, or lets go shopping, or ANYTHING AT ALL!! I mean seriously, isn't that what they were there for? I realize there were 100 students, and you can't know everything that goes on with everybody, but it just seems like I was a pretty obvious, HELP ME case, and nobody did. The first day or so, one of the leadership women came up to my room, and told me she'd heard I was having a hard time, and not to worry, it would get better, and gave me a hug.....and......you guessed it....last time I ever heard from her. *Sigh*

I think honestly what I feel most bummed about, is that people didn't take a little extra time to get to know me, and that I couldn't open up faster and sooner to let people know they SHOULD take the time. I'm friends with a few of the girls I went to school with on Facebook, and met others at two or three different little functions and weddings since school, and every time I feel gipped because I find I like these girls, and now a lot of them are Mothers themselves and we have a lot in common. I feel like if I had never met a lot of these girls, I could bump into them at Mom's group at Church, or playgroup, or school or whatever, and we'd be friends! In fact, good friends! So how come we could never make that connection when we had the chance? Honestly, it baffles me.

I guess I need to sum up. In summary, Germany really really sucked. The school sucked, the food REALLY sucked....BIG TIME, and if I had to choose between losing an eye, or an arm, or a leg, or a boob, or any one body part over doing it again, I would choose to lose the body part, that's how bad it was. (Except maybe a leg, I really wouldn't want to lose a leg....but I'd still consider it before choosing). Really, that experience scarred me. HOWEVER.....as sucky as it was, I think it would have sucked even worse if I would have quit, and given up. My parents didn't let me, (thanks Mom and Dad!) even thought I called home crying everytime for three months straight. I think quitting would have set a precedent in my life to quit every time something got tough and that's not a good rut to get into. Also, I wouldn't have been able to experience my GOD MOMENT in the train station, I wouldn't have had the great time I did in England, (another blog), I wouldn't have matured at all, and I wouldn't have been able to see what I was capable of. But at the same time, it really really sucked. When I think back on those three months, my stomach gets tight, and I honestly get this physical reaction to the memories. It was so bad I would honestly be surprised if anyone said they had a good time there, that's how bad it was for me.

Well, that's my Germany experience. I'd like to say some good things about it, but I honestly can't think of many. K group being about the only thing. Oh, and a trip we took with the singing group to some town overnight. I roomed with Katrina and that was fun. I do so much better one on one than in groups.

I know that God was with me through it all, I know that He saw and cried the tears I cried. I don't blame Him for the feelings I had. I remember actually sitting with Kendra one day, and sharing with her this list I had written of what God thought of me. How He loved my personality, He loved my laugh, He loved my sense of humor, how I was His favorite child, (yeah yeah, we're all favorites, but whatever!) how He watched and delighted in me. And I remember starting to cry reading it because I started to accept it. I think that was the beginning of caring less what people thought, and just deciding to live in what He thought of me. Because He thinks I'm awesome. (And I'm not saying I think I'm awesome, because lots of days I don't, but He does, and that makes all the difference!)

Well, I guess that is all for now. Maybe sometime soon, I'll let you all in on my England experience. Yippee yippee joy joy!! Goodnight!

High School and beyond.

I suppose reading someone's blog allows you to get to know that person better. Of course, not like you would if you were actually in a true face to face friendship, but since time and distance don't allow that for a lot of us, in a way, reading my blog allows us to still get to "know" each other better. At least, that is how I feel about the blogs I read. I feel connected to my long distance cousins in a way I never would without the bloggy world. So I guess that is why I am going to blog about my Bible School experience. I feel like it shaped me in a lot of ways, and was pivotal time in my life. So to really understand the mystery that is Tamara, I think you need to hear about it! Ha! As I thought about this blog before writing it, I found myself actually getting kind of worked up, and I was actually surprised to find I still had such strong feelings. I thought I had dealt with the bad feelings awhile ago, but I think I still have some resentment I need to let go of. Maybe this blog will be theraputic for me!!

From Grade 1-9, I attended Kola School, which is a small farming community where I grew up. I basically attended school with the same people for 9 years, apart from the few that came and went of course. So really, I didn't have to make new friends from age 6 to age 15. That is a long time to feel "comfortable" and not develop (in a sense) new people skills. Of course going to school with the same people for 9 years has it's own difficulties, but again, that is another blog post! haha. I LOVED my growing up years, and I loved and still do love the community I grew up in. I want to raise my kids in a similar way that's how much I appreciate the childhood my parents gave me. HOWEVER, to say high school was a shocker is an understatement. To go from Grade nine in Kola, where I was the only student, (yes, people, only student) to Grade 10 in Virden with 100 students was a complete change in worlds. I had never been forced to make new friends, and really looking back, I had no idea how to do it. I was painfully shy - which I think was a surprise even to me, because I had never been shy like that before, I wasn't intimidated by the kids I went to school with in Kola, my goodness, I was related to half of them! My three high school years were just a blur of trying to stay unnoticed in class, and counting down the minutes till when I could go home. I made one (new) and good friend in high school, and her name was Jenna, and we became friends because she perused me. Thanks Jenna! She made high school life bearable for me. All this to say, high school did very little to prepare me for life away from home. I had nothing in common with seemingly most of the other kids, they seemed to live for parties and drinking and things I had no interest in, and no experience with - I went to youth group, and Church, and played board games with my family. We just didn't have a lot to talk about. A lot of them had also been going to school together since kindergarten, so they had a lot of past experiences to bond them. I think my high school years gave me some emotional baggage I carried on to Bible School, and even beyond, and has taken me a long time to get rid of. The main part of that baggage being,
A.I'm not interesting and I'm boring
B. I have nothing important to say, and if I do say something it will just be dumb anyway
C. I'm unworthy of friendship

Now, I don't know if I could have articulated it like that back then, but looking back, I was searching for my self worth, and sense of belonging in other people. As I have grown up, in age as well as in faith, I look less and less for that in other people and more and more to God. Because that's the only way it will ever work! However, back then, I was maturing and I had to figure that out with time. Alright....so my grade 12 year ended, (FINALLY!) and I decided with the (one) adventuresome bone in my body, that I needed to do something different and crazy, and not be like everyone else and just go to Steinbach Bible Collage. Now I'm not knocking SBC, I probably would have had an awesome time there and loved every minute, instead of the experience I got! But, I decided I needed to break the mold, and since my cousin Renae had just loved her entire Capernwray New Zealand experience, I decided Capernwray was the school for me, and to be different from even her, I had to go somewhere else. I wanted to go to England, but since there winter semester was booked up, I had to choose a different location. I chose Germany for the winter semester (5-6 months) and England for the spring semester (2-3 months). Originally, (and this was totally crazy), I had even planned on tacking on a Switzerland upward bound outdoor 6 week program at the end. When I left home in September, I thought I would be gone for an entire year without coming home. Now why I thought I could do that after never leaving home for more then a week, (and that was to summer camp where I was so homesick the whole time I cried every day) I have no idea. CRAZY MUCH?? I was excited to go - I had really high expectations for my time, which probably in part led to it's downfall. All my life I had heard about my parents Bible School experience, (where they met) and how good it was. I loved looking through their old yearbooks and reading what people had written, and looking at the pictures. My Mom had an old picture album, with pictures she had taken in Bible School, and it was so funny to think of my Mom at my age, and her being silly and goofy with friends. That's the experience I wanted. But it was not to be.....

Well, I will continue on another night. I didn't think it would take me so long to get to the actual Bible School part, but I think a bit of backround was in order first!! Now I'm tired, and while I'm still waiting for my husband to get home, I think I might hear his car, so I will go and greet him and go to bed!! Night all.

Sleepless in Grimshaw

The last few nights I've had a real hard time falling asleep, not for any particular reason, I just can't sleep. After awhile I run out of things to think about, and the stories in my head get boring, so I start writing imaginary blog posts. This post is a product of last nights sleepless hours. I want to write a blog post about my Bible School experience, and how it's many bad experiences and few good experiences impacted my life, but that's a heavy thing to get into, and I don't know if I have the emotional energy for it at this exact moment. I'll try to do it over the weekend. Anyway, I will write a prequal to that blog post, (I know, arn't you all jumping up and down with excitement??) I think it's such a neat experience that it deserves it's own blog post anyway - so here goes. Probably some of you have heard this story - it is one of my favorites. I should say that my Bible School experience, especially the first three months was VERY hard for me. I went to Capernwray Bible School in Germany for about 5 months. To make a long story short, I had originally planned to be flying out from Switzerland at the end of my stay, which didn't happen, but I couldn't change where I was flying out from, just the dates. So when I was heading home from Germany after Bible School was out, I had to take the overnight train all the way to Vienna to catch my flight home, instead of flying out of Germany. Make sense?? I got my itinerary all figured out before I caught the first train near the Bible School, and it was probably at least 4 train switches in total that I had to do. I was nervous about going alone on all these trains overnight, but since there really wasn't a second option, I just had to suck it up and do it. I was OK until I got to my first switch. This was back in the day when you were allowed like 1000 pounds of luggage on the planes, and I was maxed out! I had the biggest suitcase known to man bursting at the seams, (seriously, it's ginormous. When I used it over Christmas Jesse asked if they still allowed suitcases that big to be used. Haha) I had another small suitcase strapped onto the back of the huge one, AND I had a hiking backpack on my back that had at least 50 pounds in it. Back then I probably weighed 120 pounds soaking wet. Now imagine trying to maneuver this suitcase the size of a horse through teeny tiny isles and over steps onto train platforms, with a backpack on your back throwing you off balance all alone!! Honestly, before I left home, I had the backpack on to see how it felt, and one of my sisters pushed me jokingly, and I fell over backwards! That's how heavy it was! Haha. Anyway, I got to my first stop, and I felt SO overwelmed and out of my depth. To get up to the telephones and bathroom, I had to climb this huge flight of stairs, (they probably get huger with time and telling, but as I recall they were a fairly lengthy set) I manhandled all my luggage up, and I can remember starting to fight tears as I looked to where I had to get to! I got to the phones and called my Dad, (he remembers this very well) it was the middle of the night there, (or very early morning) and he says he picks up the phone to hear me crying and say, "Dad I don't want to do this anymore, come and get me!" I mean, as a parent, and especially a Dad, who's natural instinct is to protect his girls, I know it must have been hard for him. Of course, now it is funny but at the time I didn't really see the humour in it. I guess he said what he could to encourage me to continue on, and I mean, what else could he do?!? I made my way back down the stairs, (I'm sure going down must have been easier then going up!) and went outside to the platform to wait for my next train. It was dark apart from the station lights, and I was the only one waiting. As I sat there alone, I started to pray. Like REALLY pray. I told God I was scared, and lonely, and then I said, God, I need you RIGHT now, WHERE ARE YOU?? And as I finished saying that in my head, I looked up, and across the tracks, there was this huge billboard under lights, and it said, "Right beside you". I remember getting shivers up my back, and I don't know if my jaw actually dropped open, but I sure felt like it! Immediately I felt this weight come off me - I felt so peaceful, and so calm. I looked to the empty bench right beside me, and I knew that Jesus was sitting there with his arm resting along the back keeping me company. I don't know if I said it outloud or not, but I remember saying something like, "Ok, I"m good now, I know where you are, and I'm not afraid any more, and I'm not even nervous anymore AT ALL!" How could I be nervous with a SIGN like that???! As a Christian, I know in my head that Jesus is always with me, but it's a different thing to really belive it in your heart! I have wondered many times if that sign was even there at all, or if it was just for my eyes alone. Really, why in German speaking Germany, would there be a huge billboard sign with the English words, "Right Beside You" on it? That doesn't make any sense, expect for God sense! That was a really powerful experience for me, and it still is now. I get teary eyed every time I think about it, or relate it to someone, that's how much it impacted me, and how protected, loved, and cherished I felt. That the Creator of the entire universe, cared enough about little old me sitting on a train platform feeling scared, to let me know in a human way that He was right where He had been all along, right beside me!


Tamara

PS. And naturally I made it to Vienna in fine form just like I knew I would!

Changes

One of the things I like to pride myself on is my willingness to share things, and go beyond that superficial level with people. Of course the notions we have of ourselves aren't always true, so maybe people find that with me, maybe they don't. I can say my favorite conversations are ones that mean something and aren't just about the weather and who won the latest hockey game. Not saying those conversations are bad, because they aren't, and if we always sat around just talking about the deepest feelings of our heart well.....that would be weird too. So in light of my "willingness to share", and since it is my blog, I decided to blog about my recent miscarriage. I follow a few blogs that are women documenting their struggle to conceive and have a family, and I've always admired their honesty and find it an interesting read! Of course I don't know them personally, so I don't have that emotional involvement like I would if it was my sister or close friend. Although Jesse has come home numerous times with me sitting at the computer bawling my eyes out, so I guess I get a little bit involved! Anyhow, that's beside the point. I was five weeks three days when I had my miscarriage, which I was so glad about. Not that I had it, but that it was so early. The whole week I had been feeling a little bit off, and I told Jesse numerous times, that I was so afraid of having a miscarriage. He told me not to worry about something like that, but in hindsight I think I just knew something wasn't quite right. I started bleeding in the morning when I got up, and I just knew right away. Initially it is quite a shock for it to actually happen! Worrying about it is one thing, when it actually happens....quite another. Of course in the beginning you try to wish it away, and hope that the next time you go to the bathroom it will all have stopped and everything will go back to normal.  But it was not to be.  I called my doctor's office and was told to go into emergency, not because I was a real "emergency"  but I guess in case they needed to do an ultrasound.  I think I was too early for that anyway.  Jesse was home in the morning, but called out right after we got up.  He said he would stay home with me if I needed him too, but, (sorry for any men who might be reading this)  it basically just felt like I was getting my period, so I just told him to go fly.  I think I'm fairly stable, and don't go off on big high's and low's - I'm a middle of the road type of person, (except when I have to travel far away from home, then I become a very un middle of the road person, but that is for another blog post!)  IN GENERAL, I'm pretty practical and don't get depressed, nor very excited about many things either!  So I guess that's kind of good and kind of bad!  So while I was obviously feeling pretty disapointed at this point, I wasn't laying in the middle of the floor wailing and weeping either.  Now here's where the God part of the story comes in.  In the two years we have lived here, I can't RECALL, (which doesn't mean it hasn't happened, I just can't remember it)  a prebooked Medivac being cancelled after Jesse has already left, pulled the airplane out, and they are ready to takeoff.  Ok, so I"ll back up a bit, Jesse got called out, I called my friend Karla who is a nurse, who said I really should come in right away, and not wait till the evening, and I think it was at this point I did start to cry, because I had two little girls, I'm having a miscarriage of a baby I really wanted, my husband is gone, and how am I going to handle all this.  I can't take them both to the hospital with me, and I really didn't want to go in alone.  Phone rings.  It's Jesse, and he says his Medivac just got cancelled and he can take me in.  Yeah yeah, you can say it was all just a big coincidence.  Me?  That was my Jesus looking after his girl.  We dropped Natalie off with her Mom at work, brought Athena to a friend's house, and we went into the hospital.  As we pulled into Emergency, I got this almost audible voice in my head, and I don't usually get things like this, but I felt like God had just said to me, "It's going to be OK".  Just that.  It's going to be OK.  And with that, I felt so at peace and so strongly felt like God was there with me, and was holding me.  We live in a fallen world, and God never promised us that bad things would never happen, He just promised to be there with us if they did.  It's kind of funny that we always blame God for everything bad that happens, but never think to thank him for all the good.  Nothing really really bad has ever happened to me  - there's never been a tragic accident, I've never been abused, I grew up in stable loving home.  Not to say I've never had down times or sad times, but compared to so many stories, I'm really one of the lucky ones.  And so I've always wondered, if something bad really happened to me, what would I do?  Would I be angry with God, would I tell Him I hated Him, would I blame Him, would I turn away from Him?  Or would I do the opposite.  Now I don't pretend like this is anything to compare to a lot of things people go through, because I know it's not, but just in my life, this is probably the singularly most disapointing thing that's happened to me.  And I never felt for a second like being mad at God.  And I still don't.  I felt so close to Him, and so loved, and I feel like it was a real faith building experience for me, to see that I didn't want to run away, I wanted to run to Him.  There have been three times in my life where I have experienced, or "heard" God in almost an audible or physical way.  This was one of those times, and I am SO GLAD that I am His child.  I'm so glad I don't have to do this on my own.  When I went to school in Europe for a year, before I left, my Grandpa wrote this poem out for me on a piece of cardboard and gave it to me in a card!  I taped it to my bunkbed and must have read it a thousand times.  It meant a lot to me then, and it still does now. 

On life's pathway I'm never lonely
My Lord is with me, my Lord divine,
Ever present, I trust Him only
No longer lonely for He is mine

I know as a Christian I have struggled with this whole dilemma.  If God really is love, then why do bad things happen to good people.  I think that is a really hard question to answer, and if anyone has a great response, let me know, but the way I look at it is this.  We have free choice.  We can choose God, or not choose him.  God didn't want a bunch of puppets on strings, he wanted us to choose Him.  So by giving us free will, He had to allow everything else that came along with it.  Now I'm not saying he never intervenes in things, but I think a lot of times bad things are either consequences for bad choices, or choices by other people that we can't control.  For those truly tragic things that happen though.....I really don't have an answer.  If Athena were to be killed in a stupid accident, I don't know how I would respond.  I really hope that I would feel like I did with that miscarriage, that God was holding me close and telling me it would be OK.  I sure hope I never have to experience it though.  For me, the best part about being a Christian and knowing God, is not having to carry it all alone.  I have a friend who never lets me down.  People always let you down no matter who they are because we're human.  God hasn't let me down yet.

Well, I guess to wrap up.  I definitely had a few days there where I felt just a tad bit sorry for myself, and hated every pregnant women I saw, (now I like them again)!  and was sad to lose this baby, but I'm very hopeful that I will be able to have more children, (there isn't any reason right now to belive otherwise)  and I hope to have another one real soon.  Well, I kind of got off on a tangent there, but hope you made it to the end regardless!

Tamara

PS.  Next time I will be waiting longer to tell everyone, since saying your pregnant to 300 friends on Facebook is all find and dandy, but having to say you lost the baby to 300 friends on Facebook isn't so great!!  So if your wondering, you'll have to ask me directly, or you may not know for awhile next time!!  

The conclusion

I had better get this whole trip wrapped up before I start forgetting too much, and then make the mistake of going on another one. Really, I'm writing this all down as a reminder to myself for the next time an opportunity arises! The trip home started on a really bad note, and I'm not even exaggerating here at all. We had about a half hour drive on the shuttle bus to the airport. It left late afternoon. We got on the bus, screaming began. I couldn't even believe it. She screamed hysterically for about 10-15 minutes straight. Why? NO CLUE!! I guess she was just tired but it was such an overreaction and so unexpected. Jesse and I just looked at each other, like, please, kill us now. The best part of this little story though is this. While on the plane coming over, it was hard to miss this group of heavily tattooed, heavily muscled group of young men, and (of course) their skinny beautiful, tight clothed wearing, big boobed girlfriends. It's the type of group where even if you really try not too, you just can't help but stare, and always look over. You know what I mean. Well, wouldn't you know it they were also at our resort, so all week you kind of notice them around, because again, it's just hard NOT to notice a big muscle tatoo walking around. It's not something you see every day. They also just so happened to be on our flight home. (Not a big coincidence becasue we were flying a charter airplane that only came in once a week) So of course, they were also on our bus TO the airport. This wasn't a huge bus, so the screaming coming from the frount was well heard by all. She actually fell asleep after this huge display on my lap, and when we got to the airport, we just let everyone else get off first in hopes of getting Athena off into her stroller without waking her up, (which didn't work, but I'm getting ahead of myself) As the last few guys walk by, the (supposed leader) of the tatoo muscle group, looks over, and goes, "Tsssskkkkk, AHHHHHHH" as he sees Athena sleeping on my lap. HAHAHAHAHA!! Is that not the most unexpected person you would expect to hear a tssk and an ahhhh from? Yeah, I thought so. I had to laugh. Maybe he had a couple kids at home, who knows, and I guess it's a always a good lesson not to judge someone's character by the outward appearance, because I certainly didn't think someone who, "looked" like him would be so gentle as to show that a baby was cute, especially after hearing her scream like a little demon for 15 mintues.

After making it through the MOST disorganized chaotic airport, "line" that I have ever stood in, we got to our gate, and again began the interminable waiting you always do in airports. If I was rich, (and I mean, really really rich) I would get a private jet, say screw it to the environment, and fly that damn thing everywhere. (I don't usually swear, but that seemed to work in that sentence so I will this time. If that offends you, send your complaints to my husband). Waiting in airports is bad enough by yourself, but with a child, I have to wonder, what did I have to complain about before? Oh yeah, nothing. We finally boarded the plane, everyone got on, great let's go. Nope, pilot comes over the intercom, there is a problem with customs and they are checking to make sure everyone paid their fee to get out of the country, and if not, could that person please show themselves. Of course, no one does, and so we wait. FOR AN HOUR!!! Holy crap. We had really bad luck apparently. I guess they finally got it figured out - knowing how bad people can be, I bet they didn't even really have any reason to delay us, they just did it for kicks. That's just what I think. Maybe not. That's how it feels when you have to wait that long.

Now, the only thing that could have made this whole travelling experience worse, was if we had had to go through the States. Then I would have found some drugs, legal or otherwise and ate them until I passed out. It was right after that whole fiasco with some idiot dude trying to blow himself up, and so security for people flying within the States was ridiculous. I mean, I'm all for making flying safer, but the rules they come up with to try and implemnt that don't seem to have much basis. Ooohhhh, you can't read a magazine within one hour from landing??? What the??? Are you kidding me? It's crazy. Anyhow, luckily we didn't have to go to the States - just Edmonton. Which isn't that much better but at least it's in Canada.

So fastforward to an hour or two into the flight - screaming again. The hysterical, body thrashing screaming that has no end, and no way to distract from it. Finally some women from the FROUNT of the plane, (and this was a big plane people) came back and offered us some children's gravol for her. My (mostly wonderful, but sometimes severely annoying husband) politly declined, while I gritted my theeth and shot daggers at him out of my eyes, even going so far as to decline even TAKING it for perhaps future considerations. (He is a drug hater to the extreme, while I would drug my kids up to the hilt for any future and past travelling) I thought that was pretty dumb, and sure enough, 20 minutes later, he had completly rethought that past train of thought and was ready to shove that gravol down her cute little throat. He went to look for the lady, but gave up right away and came and sat back down. 15 mintues later Priscilla kindly offered to go look, and since she has much more tenacity, she finally found her....literlly frount row of the plane, and brought back the gravol! Thanks Priscilla! We gave her a peice, and she calmed down finally and fell asleep. We got her onto the floor at our feet on airplane pillows and jackets, where she slept for probably 2 hours. (This is where I managed to watch The Time Travellor's Wife) Once she woke up it was a great time of trying to keep her happy and not screaming for the next few hours. I can't actually remember a whole lot after that. I just remembe it wasn't good. We got to Calgary around 3:30AM (I think) and then had to go through customs, and collect our luggage. We staggered into my inlaws house at 4:45AM. We were hungry, so we ate some pigs in a blanket and a cookies and when I headed upstarirs to bed I remember looking at the clock and it was 5AM exactly. Two hours later the alarm rang. Yup, 7AM, and it was back to the airport for our flight to Grande Prairie. Crazy much? Yeah, we are. We had to be back in Peace by 5PM, since that's when Jesse was back on call. I still don't know how we did that. That's just nuts. Luckily the flight was only a bit over an hour, so it wasn't too hard to keep Athena happy. The best part was coming in for landing the pilot came over and said the weather wasn't looking too good and they didn't know if they would be able to land or not, but they were going to try. At this point I just had to laugh. Really? Flying back to Edmonton to wait until who knows when for the weather to improve after getting 2 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours? Great. Luckily, we could land. We had left our vehicle at a hotel for the week, and so we got a shuttle bus there from the airport. Of course this week had to be one of the coldest of the winter, and so, (to finish off this awesome travelling experince) our vehicle which was not plugged in, would not start. Jesse tried our motomaster, (nope) jumper cables (nope) plugging it in for an hour while we had lunch, (of course not), motomaster again, (nope) finally another set of jumper cables by different people YES!! Yeah, it was a crazy way to end a crazy weekend. We got in, drove straight home, and were SO HAPPY TO BE HOME!!! Travelling is not ALWAYS all it's cracked up to be!! But we had a great vacation, and definitely we will always remember it, with lots of fondness........I think. :)

Chapter Three

So, our resort in Costa Rica was all inclusive, and brand new - just a few months old. I kind of thought before we went that would either be really good, or really bad, because they wouldn't have all the kinks worked out yet. Well, it turned out to be really really good! I've been to Bahamas, Jamaica, and now Costa Rica, and Costa Rica was my favorite! The food was excellent, (especially Jamaica I found the food very bland and boring), the ocean was fantastic! The waves were AWESOME. Apart from one day where there were jelly fish and I got stung a bunch of times, that was my favorite part of the vacation. A couple of times I got taken by a big wave and totally lost control and got scraped along the bottom of the ocean, and skinned my knees and thighs, but STILL WORTH IT!!! It was so fun. A couple of times though, I would stand up from taking a big hit, and looked down.....OOPS!! Both my boobs are hanging out of my swimsuit. YIKES!! Hope nobody saw that! Haha. The funniest thing was when we got home I was looking through all our pictures, and Jesse managed to get one with my boob hanging out of my swimsuit, and he didn't even know it at the time, and neither did I. AHAHAHAH. Good thing I'm not a celebrity, and Jesse wasn't the papparazzi, or else there would be nude pics of me everywhere. Heehee. So anyway, that was a lot of fun. We spent our mornings usually at the pool with Athena, and then we took turns going back to the room with her for her afternoon nap. She slept really well, probably the sun and heat and activity had a lot to do with that. The guys and girls took turns going on an excursion each on separete days. Mom, Priscilla and I went on a tour that took us ziplining over the jungle, then down a 300 foot waterslide in the jungle, horseback riding to some hotsprings, and lunch. It was a lot of fun. Athena loved the water and pools. Of course we didn't take her in the ocean, that would have been way to dangerous and stupid. She liked the sand though, and wanted to throw it everywhere, which was very very messy, but oh well. We had a very fun week.......then there was the trip home......to come another time, the conclusion.......

Costa Rica part 2

So we pick up after takeoff from Edmonton. At this point Athena is VERY tired. She has been up since 2:30AM straight, except for that 20 minute nap in the airport. She started freaking out and getting all wound up, and of course all she needs is just to lay her head down on my shoulder and close her eyes, but she gets herself so in a tither she CANNOT calm down. Here is where my memory starts to go foggy on me. Partly because I was so tired by that point and partly because after awhile, all the screaming just starts to blend. We tried giving her over to my in-laws who were directly parallel to us by the window.....only to be told 30 second after we passed her over, we weren't allowed to do that because there weren't enough oxygen masks......WHAT??? Are you KIDDING me?? That is the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. If you know me, you know I'm very passive. I don't enjoy confrontation, and to the disgust of my husband I will usually be a doormat and let myself be run over multiple times rather then raise a fuss at all. (Even if I should be) By this point I'm so tired, that I was ready to take that flight attendant and throttle her myself. Honestly, I know they were just doing their jobs, but we were sitting, TWO FRIGGIN INCHES AWAY!! The likelihood of oxygen masks dropping is like probably a billion to one, and if they did.....well, it wouldn't be too hard to pass her back over. Seriously. Sometimes you think people could have a little compassion, and take in the situation, and realize in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter at all, and just let it be. However, maybe my MIL saw how near the end of my rope I was, and so her and my FIL switched seats with us, and after another bit of screaming, Athena finally calmed down enough to fall asleep, and slept with Mom for probably 2 hours. Again, my memory fades again at this point until the turbulance started. Then I start to remember again real well. My sister in law and I both started feeling very nauseous after it started, (and we were sitting right at the back of the plane to, which Jesse said is the worst place to get airsick). I have a very weak stomach (it's one of my genetic flaws) and I feel nausous at the best of times. I have only ever thrown up once before though, and that was on the plain ride to Ethiopia. Anyway, that doesn't matter. I switched places with Mom again, so that I could look out the window and try and settle everything down. Well, long story short, I ended up ralphing everything up into those puny airsick bags they have in the seat pocket. I was sitting next to Dad and I can only imagine how he felt trapped between me and the side of the plane with no where to go. hahaha. Afterwards he told me I was a very dainty puker, which is honestly one of the funniest thing anyone's ever said to me! Whoever thought dainty and puker would be in the same sentence! I felt so much better afterwards though, and felt fine the rest of the trip. Now, back to Athena. After she woke up, it was another 5 hours or so, of trying to keep her occupied which was nearly impossible. She wanted to run - well you can't just run up and down the isles - you get in the way of people, and carts, and attendants, and it just doesn't work. She didn't want to sit still, she didn't want to sleep, she didn't want to eat, she didn't want to drink, she didn't want ANYTHING! She just wanted to be free. All the screaming we endured really seemed endless. I think my child is fairly good natured, maybe a bit high strung and energetic, but she even surprised ME with how horrible she was. By the time we got there late afternoon, I'm surprised we were still holding it together. I really didn't think it would be that bad, because I figured she would just be passed between the 6 of us, and everyone could take their turn entertaining her. Apart from a few moments, she was basically just with me. She wouldn't sit with anyone else she just wanted me. How sweet. NOT. We managed to arrive at the resort in one piece (I did consider jumping out the door a few times, but decided in the end death was maybe a BIT extreme) and we had a whole awesome week together before the, (dare I say) worse trip home. To come another time.......the conclusion......

Costa Rica

I've decided to post about our recent Costa Rica trip. To be more precise, I will mainly be blogging about the trip to and from Costa Rica. Why I would want to relive that hellish trip again is a little baffling, but for the sake of all you readers, I'll do it! Maybe you can laugh about it, although I still can't. And maybe I'm posting about it so that in 20 years I'll read it, and THEN be able to laugh.....MAYBE. But probably not. Ahhem. So we begin. Actually, let me start off by saying, it was so nice of my in-laws to take us on this trip, and we had SUCH a good time there. It really was wonderful. And my Mother in law got us the best flight she could find, that was the most direct, so none of this reflects badly on her at all. That's the disclaimer. Alright, shall we begin. We left the morning of the 29th. I say morning, what I mean is, NIGHT. Our shuttle came to pick us up at 2:30 in the MORNING (night), so our alarm rang at the very decent hour of 2AM. Totally normal, I mean, I usually get up around that time anyway, so it really wasn't a stretch at all. So, everything got loaded up, everyone got in, I went and got Athena, thinking maybe I could just pick her up, and she would stay sleeping...BING! Her eyes are open, WIDE AWAKE......for the next THREE HOURS!! Who knew a toddler could have that must stamina. We got to the airport WAY early, and the security check in didn't even open till I think 5-5:30, so we had a long wait on the chairs. Athena finally fell asleep in her stroller....about 15 minutes before we had to go through security, and of course they don't let you push the stroller through, you have to fold it up and put it through the xray machine or whatever that do hicky is. So yeah, she of course wakes up right away again, and won't go back to sleep. So now it's like 5:30 in the morning, and our flight leaves at 6AM. We've already been up for 4 hours. I am usually still sleeping FOR another 4 hours at this point. Alright, fastforward to getting on the plane. We had a "direct" flight to Costa Rica, but not really since we had to go to Edmonton first and pick up more passengers. Half hour flight to Edmonton from Calgary, sit forever on the ground, waiting for everyone to get on, load luggage etc.etc. Well, wouldn't you know it, it's about -50 thousand degrees in Edmonton, (keep in mind it's still before 7AM in the morning), and they OPEN ALL THE BACK DOORS, and proceed to load up all the food, and WHO KNOWS WHAT for the trip. WHAT THE???!! You couldn't have done that in Calgary before WE ALL GOT ON!????? It was so fritzin cold in that plane, we almost froze to death. We were basically all huddled down together in our seats with every piece of clothing we had on board around us, with these desperately thin little dryer sheets they called blankets plastered around us, that did absolutely nothing to ward off the arctic wind blasting down the aisles. It really was that bad. I could not believe how cold it was. It seemed to take forever too - although that may be because I was losing fingers to frostbite, I'm not sure. Finally we're all loaded up, good to go. Then comes the interminable waiting that you ALWAYS do on a plane. If I was the pilot (and it's a good thing I'm not), the minute the door shut, we'd be taxing out, headed for the nearest runway out. Who cares about waiting in line, and clearance from the tower and all that crap that just delays you for 20 minutes. Let's just go. So now we think, ok, we're ok. We managed the wonderful morning wake up, the shuffle to the airport, the transfer in Edmonton, we're in the air, surely things will start to look up........Boy did we have another thing coming.......TO BE CONTINUED.........

A day in the life

This morning at 5:30am Jesse got called out to fly. At 6:00am Athena woke up. I went and gave her her bottle, and put her back down. At 6:20 she started crying again, although not for long, and then until about 7:30 she woke up and cried about every 15-20 minutes for just a bit, and then fell back asleep. Needless to say, I didn't sleep at all from about 5:30 on. Finally close to 8, I fell asleep again, only to be woken up by my alarm at 8:10 - so what do I do, say, Ok, I'll just turn it off and just LAY here for a few more minutes. Yeah right!! I woke up to a pounding on my door - I didn't hear the doorbell because our fan is too loud - and poor Latoya is standing out in the -30 degree weather wondering if something has happened to me, since our vehicle is gone, and the door is locked!! Sleeping in past your alarm is the WORST way to start the day! So after Latoya had left I curled up on the couch with a blanket, and opened an eye every now and then to watch Natalie, who played very well by herself for 45 mintues until Athena woke up. Athena has a pretty bad diaper rash right now which is interesting only because she hasn't had one since she was a tiny baby. So I decided to give her a bath after breakfast to help clean it. Natalie had a lot of fun splashing in the water from outside the tub, and got herself thoroughy soaked, even though I took off her shirt. I tried to exercise after this, only to be interupted every 2 mintues by fighting and screaming and crying, and pushing, and hitting, so I'm not sure how effective the whole workout was. After my workout the TV happened to be on The Price is Right channel, and so I watched it - just for old times sake, since I remember that show as a kid, and haven't seen it forever! I made tuna sandwhiches for lunch - Athena loved them, Natalie threw most of hers on the floor. The beginning of the afternoon was spent playing, and actually together nicely for a lot of it, which is still surpring when it happens. I have a few boxes waiting to go out to the garbage can, and the girls loved playing with them today. Athena sits in it with a spoon and a little pink plastic square thing from one of her toys and plays for ages all by herself. I have to wonder what is going through her little mind! I actually got some puzzling done while they weren't trying to kill each other, and now they are both down for naps!! YES!! I hope they both sleep till 4, then I will count it as a successful mission. Sometimes I have to laugh a little thinking how different my life is now then when I was a "working women"! Today I have already changed three poopy diapers, with a few more on the horizon. People, I am sick sick SICK of poop. Really. Now I know why some Mothers are so gung ho for potty training, too early sometimes in my opinion....but it is just because, we are so SICK OF POOP!! Yesterday and today I have got poop on my shirt without realizing it, and then I'm sitting doing something and I keep wondering, why do I smell poop still?? And then I look down and realize I have a permanent scratch and sniff poop spot on my shirt. Yum. That is an exciting day in the life of Tamara.